Thank you for your support. I've had enough therapy over the years to know why this behavior is not healthy, but apparently not enough to stop me from eventually losing it, and lashing out at myself. I know, rationally, that I deserve that kind of treatment as much as anybody else does, which is to say not at all.

One therapist and I discovered a possible barrier to my ability to overcome this. The problem is, after I've made several mistakes in a row and become frustrated, I will punish myself and then, darned if I don't do it right the next time. Which tells my brain the same thing it told my mother's brain when she would punish me as a child. In her way of thinking, as long as the punishment brought about the desired result, "Well, it worked, didn't it?" Yeah, but at what cost?

But the same thing happens when I punish myself. It “works.” Threats might also “work.” Just as she might have said, “Do that again and I'll (insert punishment here),” or “You've got a (whatever punishment) coming,” I might threaten myself using the same kind of tone and language. Then I do it right, and stop making mistakes. This puts it into my mind that my threat "worked,” and makes me even more likely to do it again.

Essentially, I'm parenting myself as an adult the way I was parented as a child. Whether in therapy or with other support, I'm going to have to find some method of getting my brain to focus without scaring it.