I didn't know where to put this, since this concept covers so many different aspects and issues in my life, so I put it here.

I was chatting with my therapist about toxic family and toxic work relationships and how I felt squeezed, in the very literal sense, in dealing with them and meeting expectations. That must have interested him, because he pulled out a poem that read like an acid trip, but once we parsed it out, it made a depressing amount of sense. It was an attempt at representing double bind theory to the outsider. Now it was supposed to be an attempt to explain schizophrenia. It didn't work, obviously, but I think the framework still explains a lot of my mental distress.

Basic double bind: You are in a relationship (professional or personal) with someone above you in a hierarchy (parent, teacher, boss). That hierarchy is in a closed system (No outside input). Once that relationship is established, you start getting competing goals that cannot both be completed, but must be completed, otherwise you are deficient. You question the system, you're insubordinate. You don't play the game at all, you're lacking in work ethic. You are quite literally given no solid ground to stand on. Everything is in flux. Everything is getting done, yet nothing is. Everything is important, yet nothing is. You've got to realize what's important. Getting a headache yet?

Example: I used to work in a retail store in a specialized role (I sold phones. I was THE phone guy.). We had hours separate from store hours. Every day, without fail, I was told to go do this, that and the other in another part of the store far away and out of sight of the phone counter. This was late afternoon, a popular time for people who work a 9-5. Besides the busy work, I was also expected to man that same phone counter. That meant running across the store repeatedly to help my customers when I was called back. Nothing got done. Busy work suffered because I had to do my job and that was a serious issue for them. Complaints about lack of service at the phone counter fell into my lap with a "What are you doing?" Raising the issue with the upper echelon led to a conference with immediate supervisors about "poor work ethic." Just prioritizing the job I was hired to do during that counter's posted hours led to an insubordination charge leveled at me. They also expected me to be psychic. I wish I was joking. One of my supervisors communicates her desires on paper. There is a paper with notes on the corkboard and various photocopies around the store. My name was not on said notes. Sometimes, it wasn't. I went about my day. This, apparently, was the wrong thing to do. I should have assumed she erred, except when she didn't, and present myself to her for assignment, during phone hours, somewhere in a huge retail store, while still helping my phone customers.

I'm going to stop here, because... well, it's paradox after paradox. And the family aspect of it is just as long. Is it just me, or has anyone experienced something similar?