And guidance if possible. I closed my last thread because I'm concerned about being judged. Differing perspectives are okay. But please don't judge or be mean to me.

I went to visit him (the guy I'm seeing) this weekend.


It was nice. His daughter was there. It was awkward too. I leaned into the awkwardness. We weren't around her too much. But at one point,when she was around, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. It was just too uncomfortable for me socially.


A little before I excused myself to the bathroom, he made a joke about me to her. Teasing me, I guess. About a tv show we (me and him) started watching the night before that I wasn't into (him and his daughter love the show). I was really uncomfortable and panicked when he did that. I'd already been a little insecure that I wasn't interested into watching something him and his daughter seem to think is "so cool," and therefore I felt "uncool," I'm not really sure why he said it, but I froze, and was embarrassed and scared to say anything. I'm sure he had no idea he was doing anything wrong. I dunno.


I know that sounds small - teasing someone about a tv show and my internal reaction may seem too big? I don't know. Especially because we had a good time otherwise. So I'm confused by how much it bothered me. I pushed it down while there, but I thought about it my whole ride home. I need to reiterate (and validate): I have social anxiety around meeting people in his life, I am a survivor of emotional abuse and I think that makes me sensitive to teasing - I don't like it - along with the social anxiety which is making me fear judgment and insecurity, along with I don't trust him to make me feel safe meeting the people in his life. He kind pf proved that I...wasn't safe. It pisses me off.


Also the day of heading out to visit, we were on the phone. I'd been feeling close to him the past couple of days, and the L word is often on my mind with him. I think it's too soon to say it, and he doesn't want to say it to me, I don't think he's "there" yet, but in that phone conversation, I was expressing how much I liked and cared about him, and he was saying the same for me, and the L word was danced around, and he said if I wanted to say it, I should. I felt encouraged by him to say it, even though I knew he wouldn't say it back. I said it. And I felt embarrassed, regretful, horrible after. (and please do not judge me for saying the L word to him while also having doubts, I already feel awful).


Anyway, we did talk about it, and he said to me that it's okay to have feelings. but it really just feels like he wants his ego stroked. I'm sure that's not how he's thinking of it. But he doesn't feel the ****ing same. I understand that everyone comes to the L word in their own way, on their own comfort level, and I do not want to pressure him to say anything he's uncomfortable with. I think I was just trying something, and it didn't feel right. I'm also annoyed that he encouraged me to say it.


I wish I could continue dating him. And...I want to. He is so nice. He has no idea that he said anything wrong at this point, either. The thing is, I'm also scared to break up. I'm scared of the terrible horrible ****** break up feeling. I have been traumatized by horrible break ups in the past. Really hurt. I'm scared I will want him back and he will tell me to screw off.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to stay with someone because I'm afraid to break up with them. I don't want to keep getting hurt and keep feeling nervous and unsafe in these situations. But I don't want to mess up something good. I also want to at least talk to him. This stuff just keeps happening. I know he doesn't want to break up. But it's about what I want and need. Maybe take a break. Or talk to him. I don't know. I'm sick of talking about this stuff with him. And I don't want to be the buzzkill all the time by continually bringing stuff up.