The other hospital judged that I was recovering and did not need admission on Fri. Seems they were right, since yesterday and today (Sat and Sun) I have felt not too bad . . . physically.

On Fri, I also was very depressed. Today I still feel pretty low. Like yesterday, I got out of the house, which helped. Yesterday I walked around at a festival. Today I drove outside the city into a mountain area. I don't feel I really want to be with anyone. But I fear getting physically sick again and going thru it largely alone.

I'ld adjusted to my boyfriend dying 2 years ago. I was reasonably content on my own. But now, it makes me feel scared that I am basically alone . . . scared that when sickness comes, I have to cope alone.

So, when I get home and settle in on the couch in front of the TV, my thoughts get very disturbing. Now I feel the loss of my guy very keenly. With him gone, I'm not very important to anyone. I feel awful about that. One of my sisters checks on me every day. She's been as good as she can be. I don't like being a source of worry to her. I feel like a charity case. I don't feel I have much to offer her. I doubt she would ever need me for anything. I don't like needing people who don't need me.

This is a bad way to feel. Maybe I'll get over it.