I saw Dr. T today (he was off yesterday, so just Tuesday and Friday this week), and I felt rather distanced from him. We were talking about all outside things--stuff with D and with H--nothing related to the therapeutic relationship. But usually I feel more connected when I'm talking about at least D stuff with him.

I'm wondering if it's that I don't feel really "safe" with him yet, that the rupture is still looming in the back of my mind, and we might need to discuss it more? It didn't help probably that today, something that came up with H involved concerns about his being irritated, so Dr. T was talking about that some. So it brought to mind what he'd (Dr. T) said to me recently.

I also wonder if it could be partly related to his looking at his phone right when I walked in and making a comment like, "Ugh, something else to figure out." And I said, "Everything OK?" He said something like, "You think you have something figure out, then another thing pops up." I said, "Scheduling thing? Never mind, I'll stop prying."

Would something like that bother you? It's not the first time he's reacted to something on his phone during session (not counting the wife call). Like he picks it up to do scheduling (at the end) or to look at the weather because of a comment I made (or look something up he's referencing), then reacts to presumably a text, saying, "I need to not look at my phone." (Though sometimes, it's a positive reaction, like, "Oh, good." But still, it's my session, and he's focusing on something/someone other than me.)

ETA: I guess I did feel fairly connected to him last Wednesday (Friday was just OK), but I've found with ruptures, right after the initial repair session(s), I tend to feel more connected, then I often pull back a bit, randomly or from something really minor that wouldn't have affected me under normal circumstances.

ETA2: OK, one last thing is that he was wearing shorts today, which he hasn't done in a while, so could that have somehow thrown me off? I don't know....

Thanks, Scarlet, I really appreciate the support. I do also wonder if I'm sort of playing something out with Dr. T, like a childhood thing, from my parents? In trying to get his support and care, even if he's not that open about it. And feeling some sort of victory in a way when I get him to openly show care.

If he worked in a different way, I imagine this would be a great thing to share with him and explore. But he doesn't. Though, if he worked in a different way, this stuff likely wouldn't be coming up, because he'd just be giving me unconditional positive regard and stuff....