Thanks for the comments, EM. I actually do understand what you mean about your T maybe liking you more than she's supposed to and how it can have downsides.

I don't think this is probably what you're talking about, but I have felt like Dr. T often enjoys talking to me, like just talking about random stuff or sometimes more intellectual things. He's also said before that session time with me goes by quickly, as we always have plenty to talk about and that I'm generally very engaging (or something to that effect).

With him disclosing a lot more since the pandemic, there are moments where it can feel more friend-like. Which can then make it more jarring when he throws up some sort of therapy boundary. Note: I'm fully aware that friends have boundaries for each other, too; I'm talking about specific therapist-client/professional relationship ones here.

But anyway, back to what you were saying: It helps to know that attachment stuff comes up with L, too, and that it's allowing you to make those connections in your outside life. I did recently notice a parallel with something that happened with Dr. T and then with H (where it was like, "Oh, that's what's going on here"). And I do feel like I'm getting some practice with Dr. T in terms of addressing conflicts with people--I think I'm generally handling them better in my outside life, certainly standing up for myself more, for example (though I guess that cost me a friendship last year...).

As for invalidating: There are definitely moments (including recently) where I've felt invalidated and/or shamed by him. But there have also been so many times that he's validated my feelings, regarding D, H, my mother, friends (including the friendship that ended), etc. that I feel they far outweigh the invalidating ones. And I've found the validating ones to be very healing.

The problem is, as he's mentioned, I tend to be much more likely to remember the negative interactions with people than the positive ones. So the invalidating moments stick out to me, where the validating ones can become sort of fuzzy in the background. Plus, the past couple years have been mostly validating ones until what's happened recently, so it's sort of shaken me a bit. I want to be able to shift my focus to see all the validation, support, and care from him, but it can be difficult for me to do that (which I think he finds to be frustrating, but see: anxious attachment).

I feel like in most any relationship, there are going to be some invalidating moments (there was just a minor one a few moments ago with H, in fact!), and I need to learn to focus on the full balance of relationships, not one negative thing that was done or said.

Also, ex-MC validated me all the time--and warmly--and so then the final rupture, where I felt very invalidated and gaslit, felt like 1,000 times more painful because of all the validation that had come before it. And it made me doubt the reality of the relationship, whether it was all just fake, if he truly cared, etc.

I'm not sure what my conclusion is here, I suppose that lots of validation can be undone by one invalidation. Not sure how that ties back to Dr. T, except that maybe in some weird way I feel safer that he's not constantly validating, because it feels harder to trust. But, I think the fact that he had been so validating since the pandemic (with a few small blips), this feels like a bit of a crash to me here (even if in the grand scheme of things, from the outside, and certainly to him, it probably seems really minor).

(Eek, that was long--just thinking out loud here, in a manner of speaking.)