Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna
I guess i missed what bad thing happened recently.
Also, you keep talking about him bringing his feelings into the room. Why cant that be, he is just doing his job? His being a blank slate is to act as a representative of humanity. Like to say to you, "are you sure you want to do that?" Instead of, "Wtf is wrong with you?!" THAT would be "bringing his feelings into the room." Not just setting a boundary, like "thats getting annoying." You are negating his ability to do ANYTHING therapeutic by declaring it all "his feelings."
ETA - By definition of his being your t, none of it is "his feelings". End ETA.
Also, do you expect to get thru this without ever feeling shame? I dont think thats realistic. I felt shame constantly IRL, so of course i will bring that into t. I had to temper myself so to speak to not feel shame when i accepted a glass of water from him. But that was all me, not anything he was doing. When you feel shame, you yell at him. Or blame him. Or dwell on how he should have said something differently. But you have to change something in you for this to work.
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First: The most recent thing was, first, his saying the text confirmations that we'd be in person had started irritating him, followed shortly after by an email I sent (after a last-minute change to virtual) that he also said was irritating and "confusing" ("Why would you send that after the conversation we'd had?"). I can provide more context if needed--at some point, I moved things from the Couch to this thread, and I may have left some stuff out.
I'm confused by what you mean about how none of it being "his feelings." He's said they're his feelings. Are you trying to say they're actually all my feelings?
And I certainly don't expect to not feel shame! I'm also someone who tends to feel it in my outside life. It's more if I'm feeling additional shame from what my T is saying to me about his reactions to what I'm doing. Not the work of therapy in general--of course shame is going to come out--but in feeling shamed *by* him.
Regarding your last comment, I am trying to change now. He said that this rupture is the first time I seem to be truly examining my own role in it and why I'm reacting this way. And the first time I've overtly told him that I *don't* want to keep reacting this way to these types of things (both from him and people in my outside life). It felt like a breakthrough of sorts (he agreed with this). What I'm unclear on is how exactly we're going to work on that (beyond his saying things like "We all irritate people; it's inevitable" or to trust in the history of the relationship)
Like I'm not sure if there's something I can work on, in there, with him, like skills of some sort, whether mindfulness, CBT, DBT (I know mindfulness is also part of that), etc., or if I'm going to need to go elsewhere to learn them and to process some of this stuff (DBT class, DBT T, EMDR T, some other sort of T, etc.).