yes. scream. often want to scream. T is right earthmamma.. we DO figure it out and i dont know about you, but im not really asking him to figure things out... i want him to help me stop feeling this way underneath.

thanks for the support guys zig :hugs gimmeice

ok kiya.. i have to be careful tho.. i dont want to be too identifying...

i was awarded a scholarship program in my particular area of art... it's not much in money.. nothing really.. but the program carries a fab reputation and the amount of networking and publicity from it are worth it. There is a gala event at the end of the project's completion and everyone who is everyone in the local scene is there.

i got my contract from them yesterday and i spent the whole evening having panic attacks off and on.

a contract

like a legally binding thing


this is my first "gig" so to speak. i'm terrified.

me? a working artist? really? no... cant be

i dont know *anything* about what i proposed to do... now, this program is supposed to be exactly for that.. to put a new medium in someone's hands.. but seriously, i know nothing about this. Its a technically difficult medium...

and if i fail.. the fall will be very very public

Then.. there is the small business i have been trying to start up. i wanted to do that and hire a couple of people with disabilities, give them a chance because i know how hard that is... trying to get a job that accomodates. It has been in "fits and starts".. meaning stop, go, stall... like a standard transmission. Its seasonal so i am running out of time as the summer progresses. i got a call from a potential funding source and there was suddenly this big push and all this important information and responsibility shoved into my lap.

im scared. i dont know anything about running a business either.

i am in a pretty difficult financial situation.. i need to become more stable that way.. so the business idea possibly could provide that.. or make it worse. Getting a "regular" job has proven difficult due to my physical limitations.. actually difficult doesnt quite cover it. On one hand.. a part time reuglar job provides income without all the added responsibility and stress a business would... on the other hand, if i can make it work i would be able to set my own hours, and hire others to do the physical stuff... it potentially could make me a lot of money in a short time period.

i really feel damned if you do and damned if you dont.. my whole LIFE seems that way. i think it's a pattern

well i am doing well i am really capable... but when i am not i can be near incapacitated. Pain issues alone are insane.. everyday as it is.. but sometimes crippling... and that alone drives a powerful depression. Add in those hormone issues, bipolar disorder... im %#@&#!.

i cant even seem to install my patio umbrella... and i am supposed to rock the art world?