Yes, I can relate to this. I was the same POS you say you were (perhaps in a different way, I don't know, but the upshot is the same.) It's tough. I'm married and have been now for over 40 years. (My wife's accomplishment, not mine.) But there are many things in my past (before I met my wife) she knows nothing about and, I suspect, would be shocked to learn of were I to tell her.

I've been fortunate to be married to a woman who has absolutely no interest in my past. So, we've been able to maintain a successful long-term relationship despite all of my baggage. On the other hand, it's tough because it would be nice to be able to talk about those things (assuming I could bring myself to do that... which realistically I probably couldn't) and to know she accepts me anyway. As it is my only option would be to lay it all out with a therapist. (And I don't know if that would help anyway.) But for me, at least, I'm too old for it to make any real difference. So I just live with it... and take Clonazepam...

You wrote you're a toxic person and don't even deserve what you have and to be where you are. You deserve to be alone. I often feel this way as well. I look around at the comfortable life I have and feel as though I don't deserve it. But I have it... (mostly due to my wife. I have often thought that, had it not been for her, I'd have ended up a homeless drunk.) So (unfortunately) I don't think I have any sage advice for you with regard to your situation. I guess all I can really say is that, depending on the type of person your new love interest is, it may be possible for you to have a successful relationship despite the dark things in your past. (Delving into it with the help of a skilled mental health therapist may help if you haven't already done so.) I don't think there are any rules against those of us with dark pasts ultimately finding love and experiencing happiness and joy. That's just the way life is. Why does someone like me end up being married to a wonderful woman, residing in a comfortable home, and living into my 70's (and perhaps beyond) when there are innocent children and young adults struggling and dying every day? It doesn't seem to make sense. But that's the way life is. Greater minds than mine have tried to make sense of it and failed. So, in the words of country singer Iris DeMent: I think I'll just "let the mystery be."

Best wishes...