Thanks september morn for your comments. I'm not trying to side-step my traumas because they are so painful but was wondering if it would be more advantageous to deal with the self-esteem and coping skills first so I don't continue to screw up my life currently. However, I do know that every trauma that I've dealt with has a real impact on how I behave today and I've never dealt with any of them. The hardest one I will have to deal with is the molestation by my father and for that one, I know my memories are true memories, unlike what I'm discovering about the attempted rape, not understanding now what is a memory and what was learned after the fact. It is very disconcerning to find out that something you thought you remembered like it happened yesterday and have continual flashbacks about, are not exactly as they happened. I'm having a very difficult time with this.

Yes, I know it is very painful to bring up traumas from your past. You are really reliving it all over again, something very painful and not what you want to do but also very necessary to do if you are to find any positive way to try and put it behind you and not have it continue to affect your life currently.

I haven't disassociated but there is a huge period of time in my life that is completely blocked out, like my emotionally abusive marriage. I only remember the last 6 months of it which were absolutely horrendous. I think our minds do this in order to save us from some pain that we are not able to handle at the time.

It sure didn't help that I'm dealing with my first childhood trauma at the same time as dealing with 2 current major crisis. All 3 things at the same time are totally overwhelming for me.

I wish I could see the seeds and strength in me that others see. I view myself as a completely different person, very, very fragile and with everything I'm dealing with now, I certainly feel anything but strong and my family would most likely agree.

Anyways, thanks again for your comments. Very much appreciated.