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*Beth* · 02:06 PM

(This was inspired by an old thread, now closed.)

I most definitely do not see anything wrong with driving past your therapist's house. It does make me feel very sad that so many of us, so many people, are in such desperate need of soothing and safety, connection and love. Certainly, that speaks to some kind of severe deformity in the way we treat our children - who grow up to be such needy adults. Perhaps that so many people seek out therapy altogether speaks to an enormous failure in our society, too.

I have an extremely painful and terribly confusing situation going on right now with the woman who may/may not be my therapist. She and I have been in therapy for 3 years...except that she has chronic illness (in addition to a variety of other reasons) that cause her to be out of the office frequently...sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a week or two, and sometimes longer. When we had first started therapy, she had pneumonia and was gone for almost 4 months. Currently, she is on leave again for health issues; this time it will be for at least 3 months.

I have never been given more than 2 days' notice - and that is rare. Usually notice is given the day before and, much more often, a few hours prior to my session (which really screws up my day and my week, let alone my mental health).

When I have asked M. if she plans to retire soon (she's 71) her reply was, "Not at all. I love my work, plus I need to make a house payment."

I'm sure the house payment is being made, but she often is unavailable as far as her work goes.

This spring I had tremendous stressors that caused me to have a breakdown. M. and I had 2 intense and deeply personal sessions during which we were getting into, really into, PTSD problems that I had initially started therapy for. Finally, I thought, a chance to truly clean this stuff out and move on.

Then she got sick. What was supposed to be a week's absence turned into 2 weeks - turned into a month, then 2 months, and now it's (at this time) a full three months.

One month into M.'s leave I spoke with M.'s receptionist, who told me that M. had come in to pick up some paperwork and that she had looked extremely unwell. M. and I have had a very close and warm bond. She has told me that I am special, she has given me cards full of praise and caring, and signed them "Love." She has brought me things from her garden, and given me an Easter bunny full of candy. For Christmas she gave me a gift box of cards (kind-of like Tarot cards) with lessons about mindfulness on them. I always treasured her gifts; at the same time, I did wonder, more than I wanted to, about boundaries.

M. has also been open about her family. He husband, her children and grandchildren, her family of origin, past experience in her life (that were not directly related to my therapy). We have spent definitely two, possibly three, sessions discussing some hardship or event in her life. The entire sessions. I listened and gave supportive suggestions. Did I find her behavior odd? Yes. Odd and at times, very triggering.

All that said, M. is an extremely warm, caring, motherly woman. Very earthy and understanding.

So this time when she'd been ill for a month I wanted to give her a gift. I wanted to do it because yes, I missed her tremendously, but primarily because I was very concerned about her health. I wanted to give her something special to pick up her spirits and to let her know I care. And I knew just the gift to give - some bells, called "protection bells," sort-of like wind chimes but, in my opinion, even lovelier than many chimes I've seen. I wrapped the bells nicely, stuck a note in the bag, and googled M.'s full name. Her address popped right up. She doesn't live far from me. I drove over, parked, walked straight up to the porch of her house, set the bag by her front door, and left. I didn't look at anything except the pathway in front of me, and I certainly didn't "hang around."

Later that day I got a call from M.'s receptionist, telling me that M. had texted her and asked her to tell me that "I shouldn't have, but thank you" and she said she'd hang the bells in her garden "where the fairies will love them." The receptionist told me that M. was feeling somewhat better and would likely be back the following week.

Two weeks later and I hear that M. is even sicker. Still, she would "surely be back the following week." M. loves tea. I had some nice herbal tea sent to her home via Amazon. Again, with the intention of sending love, cheer, and thoughts of healing energy.

Six weeks into her absence I was feeling yes - bad that M. was still sick, and afraid that perhaps she was nearing death because when I'd go to the clinic for other reasons I'd hear about how very sick M. looked when she dropped in to pick up whatever. But by that time I was feeling hurt and angry. Where are the woman's professional ethics as far as continuing to work as a therapist when she was frequently out of the office? And why hadn't she bothered to drop me a quick email, just a "I hope you're doing well. I'm struggling with this illness, but I promise I will be back." But...nothing.

So I sent more tea. Yes, because I care about her, yes because I was missing her very much - and yes because I was feeling prickly and kinda wanted to poke at her. I still didn't hear from her. (I absolutely did not want a thank you for the gifts, just an acknowledgement that she remembered my existence.)

Now it's 2 full months that M. has been absent. I was near to falling apart, so I scheduled an appointment with her colleague. I had 2 excellent sessions with him. I told him openly about giving M. the gits; his response was that he was sure that, knowing her, she'd be fine with it. (I would have been pleased to become his client, unfortunately, he's leaving the clinic this month.)

After that session I felt less angry at M., still concerned about her, but becoming more and more decisive about ending therapy with her. I was feeling far more upset than healed. I considered that I don't pay for therapy sessions because my insurance covers it. In my mind, that justified spending a bit more money and buying M. some flowers. Which I did, and took them to her front porch (again, quickly and without hanging around in the least). When I leaned down to place the flowers by her door I did notice a pretty rock I'd found a couple of years before. I was pleased and touched to see that she'd kept it. I left.

The next day I had a phone message from M. I thought, how nice; she's finally calling and wishing me well, assuring me that she'll be returning to work soon.

What I heard was a fairly extensive run-down of her health issue and that she'll be out yet another month, until July (if she's well by then). And then...while she knows I mean well by giving her the gifts I must please, please, stop sending things to her house because there are professional boundaries and she could lose her license, her whole career, over this. And she went on. She never so much as wished me well. Never an "I hope you're okay until we see each other again."

I returned her call (to her office) and told her that I needed to get my thoughts out for my own well-being, and that I would be sending her an email. And I wrote an email telling her how rotten it felt for her never to have bothered to drop me a 2-line email, but only (after 2 months) to call and scold me. I told her that her absences are too frequent to keep continuity of therapy and is she aware that not only am I being re-traumatized, but that surely some of her other clients are, too. I explained how ashamed and embarrassed her scolding message had made me feel. The grief, trauma, and shame I am living with is a beast. I don't know where to turn now. I have had some serious stuff in my life that has caused the trauma I entered therapy to treat. In addition, I have bipolar disorder that I work diligently to live with.

And here things sit. Almost a month, minimum, until I maybe hear from M. again and no idea of where to take all this.

I apologize for this lengthy post, and for hijacking this thread. Where the thread not 7 years old I wouldn't have re-focused it. It's just that while I was reading through it my own situation seemed, in some ways, relevant. But am I compelled to drive past M.'s house anymore? Ha, no freakin' way. Did I ever have an intention of stalking her? Far, far from it.

I hope the OP of the other thread did end up discussing with her therapist the need she felt to continually drive past her house. I do not think there is any "wrong" about it. I do think the OP is desperately needing connection and comfort.