I have been doing the wrong thing and google searching my GI symptoms. Very bad, don’t do it. I’ve gotten myself sufficiently freaked out, and now it’s hard to tell which symptoms are real and what I’m manifesting. I just have to wait for the results of whatever GI tests need to be done. I’ve always been an anxious person and think to myself what’s the worst outcome possible and what would I do if it came to fruition. It’s just one time I did that, it came true. So I still have no faith that the worst COULDN’T happen. But I know all I can do is stop worrying until I get results and worry then if need be.

I’ve been more active since I got my watch. And I must say, walking more often really has helped my back. I’m no longer in pain when I wake up. Just a bit of tightness that stretches out pretty quick. I must change my diet to as low fat as possible, I just get so much discomfort when I eat high fat, processed meals. I want to get healthier. For as many years, decades even, that I’ve been passively and aggressively suicidal I really don’t want to die. When it comes down to it, I want to be there for my son. He’s always been my reason for living and now that I’m getting to the root of my mental health issues I must clear up the physical issues as best I can.

Now that I’m off the vraylar and pretty much over the half-life of the long acting drug my mind is MUCH clearer. It’s so hard to believe how bad that med was for me, how a lot of the physical and mental symptoms I was having were related to it. I’m able to read whole books! I’ve always been a voracious reader but it fell away. I found a couple at a yard sale and they were unexpectedly excellent. The one I really thought would be corny but I related to the main character very much. I was thinking about how to get more, cheaply, and though I could go to the library I’m very bad at returning books on time. The librarians end up not liking me. BUT I remembered a secondhand bookstore that I used to go to with my mom as a child and it is indeed still open! I don’t know how cheap the books are these days but still much cheaper than new books I’m sure. And I probably will venture to the county library. If I read book reviews I can go in with a list. I have a hard time just browsing in libraries. But it sounds like a good way to fill my time this summer.