I do have a lot of motivation.. I want to make lists and organize everything more efficiently..

I'm having a problem at work where they want me to work more (I only work 3 days a week). I said I would work 4 days and then the thought about being around them more daunted on me (Not knowing me and making judgements based on what I say because I'm not very self-revealing in work settings).

My moms ex ruined stuff for me. I worked my *** off being his slave for years and only talked to him in isolation. I think going to therapy would help me to ditch the cognitive distortion I have around that..

It makes me suicidal when I'm doing mindless things, like any task.. I want to use my mind to do things - But I'm starting to have doubts that I'm not good enough. If they aren't grateful that I'm working as much as I can, then I think I should find another job. The owner was like "What do you do on your non-work days?" I said "Hiking.." and before I could finish, she laughs... Like yeah.. - No time to even speak while we're working.

No one sees my worth - Not even me. I then start to think, "What's the point of even staying alive - Especially after my parents die? I don't see the point at all except following my intuition. Something that I can't explain during small talk" and no I don't have anything to live and die for - like a ****ing soldier. Surely I'm afraid to die - I don't know what's going to happen after... no one does - Well maybe a few very enlightened.. I imagine that my consciousness will be uploaded to somewhere to escape this simulation and become a God. But either way, if I die, it's not my fault. Even suicide. It's all just ideas. My existence is an idea. Infinity multiplied by infinity - That's all it is. And we're in a capsule.

I can't make eye contact either. I was laughed at of that - But I realized in the situation that it was funny. If I can't, might as well own it yknow.. lol.. I just don't want people to suck away/absorb my soul.

But yeah.. Work is over for the week so I can relax. Me and my mom are going to drive to the city this week because she has her mammogram - But she has a cold.. So idk what's gonna happen. I want to buy jeans at the mall (I don't pay attention to my appearance.. Or anyone else's appearance - If someone were to ask me "Do I look good?" I'd have no idea what to say because all I see is nothing).. But I should try and spend some money on improving.. Being like everyone else.. Although here's the thing..

The world has changed a lot in the past few years. Predicting the future is almost impossible for people, when they live in their own comfortable, isolated bubble. Things are gonna flash by and the more adaptable you are (Which I am NOT at all), they'll be OK - Which is most people. I realize how ****ed up reality is - And how strange.. how unreal things are. The metacognition and pondering meanings of life, universe, people were aware long before me. They'll be OK. I'll be with the homeless people once my parents are gone if meds.. aren't being manufactured (YES, I have a **** load of worries.. There's 1000 more of them floating around in my mind) - My siblings will help me out. I'll have money.

I do want to have some sort of challenge.. But my identity/mind is fragmented. All it is.. is potential, complexity. I am a good person mostly, I'm honest 99%.

Whatever. I don't care.