Life is just waves. It's all, soothing bipolar waves.. Balanced by good and bad. Yin Yang. I wish I was aware of that - It would have saved a lot of despair and ignorance. Maybe I just didn't have time for myself to relax and think - I was always doing mindless tasks such as school, work + No input from anyone in isolation. I never talked to anyone else really either. The addictions - Those being mindless as well. If I was forced to do something, I automatically didn't enjoy it. Maybe that was the intention to make me like this. Most people weren't taught to think properly.

So I am just to try and feel, be mindful, appreciate. Anhedonia has gotten better. That's what satan wanted.. for some cursed people to give in this way. It's my fault but also my karma - and everyone else's.

It's a huge dance.

I'm not sure what will happen with me (It's like I've always held on - Enduring pain) - So does that matter? Just let go... let goooo... It's all we can do.

It's like falling.. You feel so much pain that your soul sets itself free.. The mercy of God? (Is that why I was told "God doesn't give you anything more than you can't handle?") Idk much about religoin.. - Again, falling..

So much fear.. So much love..

All movies, songs, books.. The story lines, meanings, beginnings/ends.. Where, how, why, when.. And for me, I missed it all. I was blind. THE BLIND MAN CAN SEE.. Miracles.. It's always impossible until it's done. Lol..

When you're young, you're not as wise/knowledgable.. You care what people think. I remember sitting with my dad at a camp fire hosted by a pharmacist/pastor.. We were talking and I would hesitate some things and he explained that to me.. When you're older, you don't give a **** what people think" - That's comfort.. but it's also denial, ego, inability to admit being wrong.. Forcing your ideas on people.. It's all energy, rotating in space. My dad later said "I can't believe you - Talking to that smart guy. You're OK".

If people could just be alone.. Even with their thoughts, be curious and amazed, to love the self... You can just vibe and have experiences that you can tell people who are willing to listen.. Or just tell no one - Loneliness, so then.. You can find someone that relates which is a good feeling. And this;

The whole of life is like this. For eternity and beyond. Nothing is ever the same - Only in relation to something else. Forever changing.