Yeah, I am not sure if suicide or self harm contracts are evidence based or not. There are times when I can find them helpful if they are very short like only 12-24 hours and only at a certain point on a scale of one to ten in intensity of thoughts or urges. Once I am past that certain point, I want my options because I need to feel better one way or the other. And it is a coping mechanism, albeit maladaptive.

I don't know if they are coercive. I had to look up that word. She didn't threaten hospitalization or anything like that. She kind of made a contract with me. She called it a "soul contract" that I would do everything I could to take care of myself and she would do everything she could to take care of herself. I didn't actually agree to that though, she just said it and I didn't reply.

We talked about how in the past when T's have told me I have done enough harm for a certain period of time. And how I have respected that and not done more until the next day or next period of time. She told me I had done enough yesterday, which was zero. That sort of confused me because if I hadn't done anything, how could it be enough?

I do want to get better but right now I am ambivalent. I think I am going to relapse. I don't know for sure but I feel it. I don't know exactly how she felt about me wanting an out, but I wanted the option to do what I needed to do. I want to get better but I also have some crap going on in my head that is making this really difficult.

HUG Kit