Mixed emotions, which are so powerful and raw at times like this. Also, our nervous systems can take only so much anguish. Being in this state for long periods of time can wreak havoc with it, and our reactions to things can be quite different from our normal, usual selves. I know this issue personally, too.

I was very depressed when my Dad was in so much pain, and basically dying. It was excruciating for me. When I went for visits, there was only one time when I wasn't alone. Yet, I couldn't ever find the words to say to him, since he always appeared to be sleeping. I didn't want to wake him, as I never knew how much trouble he had getting to sleep, and it was a respite for him. But I could never pull my thoughts together, or find the words to say, to even whisper them to him.

I had to rely on the fact that we had both, in his later years, made amends for a lot of what had been missing when we were growing up. I had to count on him knowing that I loved him, no matter what.

I don't talk about this with very many people. Mostly because it is all so personal and private, I feel. But also because it brings up so much that I still, 12 years later, can't find the right words to convey how I feel about it all.

All I can do is say, I genuinely understand, and sympathize, and wish I could help more than you will ever know.

I am glad your family members are present, and can accompany you through this part of your path.