I worked on sorting some stuff out that I am feeling (I sent this to my T in an email and asked if we can work on it on Tuesday):

Guilty that I made my GP freak out (she was calm with me but my Pdoc said she was pretty freaked out and he had to talk her down)

Thankful that my GP was calm with me--if she hadn't been I probably would have had a harder time being calm with the cop and the behavioral health ladies!

Worried that GP thinks I might hurt her! I would never (intentionally) hurt someone else! Maybe I need to tell her this on my next visit (June 30th) for a checkup on my arm! She did say to come in sooner if I think it is getting infected though.

A bit paranoid because the cop took my driver's license information down and everything. He said he has to file a report (presumably about me)! He also had to give an incident number to my GP. What if I am now on some sort of watch list or something?!!

Also paranoid because the behavioral health workers had to take a report on me! They took copious notes! I wonder where this report goes? Can anyone look it up? Can it be held against me?

Tired--too much stress yesterday

Anxious--not sure why about this one

Disappointed in the system that I cannot get help for my wounds without being threatened with hospitalization

Leftover fear from being alone with the cop in the small exam room

Sadness that I had to tell my parents what was going on--I usually do but it was a hurried text and they got pretty worried

Wanting comfort but bewildered on how to get it

Freaking out inside--I guess delayed reaction! I couldn't freak out yesterday. I needed to remain calm and composed. Best way to talk your way out of a hospitalization is to "act normal"

Disappointed in myself for getting in this position. Either for self harming at all, or for going to the GP for help. Or both.

Grateful that my GP said to me, don't get upset, but I have to call the officers. At least she gave me a head's up. At least it was only 1 officer and he was pretty nice

Amusement that the officer didn't think you had to pay for inpatient treatment if it was involuntary

Hopeful that I will get on an even keel again soon

Stressed because my Pdoc when I told him I had made it 113 days before relapse, and how I told him about my two year goal--and said, do you know how long that is? He said maybe you can go 200 days this time! Pressure! Pressure! Is it internal pressure or external pressure?

Relieved I am not in the hospital right now

Not looking forward to going home and having my sister there. Not that I don't want to see my sister, I do, but all I feel like doing is zoning out in front of the TV and that won't be possible

Thankful for my coworker/friend. I told her what happened and she prayed with me, and she put her hand over my long sleeved shirt where my wounds are while she prayed

Thankful for my other former coworker who I confided in and also in my boss who I sort of word vomited on her. But they both took it well.

I didn't exactly tell my other coworker what happened, I just said I had a GP appointment and my GP freaked out and wanted a psych consult and that it was very stressful and would she pray for me! And she did

Grateful that I have the day off of work tomorrow

Glad that I was able to concentrate long enough to get payroll done at work (it took me 1 and a half/2 hours to get myself sorted and into work mode this AM) and get caught up from what I missed yesterday afternoon

Frustrated that I feel overwhelmed and Zombie-ish at the same time

Baffled as to why I do this to myself. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't understand.

Stressed because two of my friends (support people) are in Israel right now. I have WhatsApped them. One has been a bit more responsive--which is usual, and the other told me that she still cares about me, which is nice. She also told me to be careful. Too late.

Confused as to why I have to do so much damage to myself? Why can't I stop after a little bit? Why does it have to be multiples?

Lonely--I had to do this alone. Yes I could text people and I was grateful for that, but I had to go through the process alone and be an adult and advocate for myself

Grateful that my T gives me agency over my life to make my own choices, whether they are good or bad

Worried about how the wounds are going to heal

That's all I can sort out for now. There may be more but I think this is at least, a good start at figuring out how I feel.

Thanks for all the love and support, peeps! I love this group! HUGS Kit