My father was diagnosed with a terminal and incurable lung disease 8 months ago. His doctor at the time told him it isn't a death sentence. Though, it turned out to be. Just 7-8 months later, he was rushed to the emergency room, then was given a hospital bed, then quickly went downhill over the course of two weeks, then passed away. It happened so very fast. I am still trying to make sense of this. A week ago, he was hoping he could go home and still be able to take a trip to France in the Fall. And now, now, he's just gone.

He was a man who took great care of his physical health. His disease is the result of second hand smoke, from when his mother smoked while he grew up. He could have lived well into his nineties, if it weren't for this disease. He lived until the age of 81.

I watched him die in the hospital, while I held one of his hands, and my mother held the other. They removed the oxygen, upon his request, and he died an hour later. It is an experience that will forever be stamped in my memories. It was pretty horrific to experience that first-hand, but I felt my mother needed someone to be there with her and I didn't want her to go through it alone. She is very thankful I was there. But the image of him, lying there lifeless? WOW. I am trying to shake it and cannot.

During this time while he was hospitalized and sick, I had some mixed emotions based on a difficult childhood. My father wasn't the greatest dad when I was a kid. He was emotionally unavailable so I felt neglected, he was very self centered and overly critical of us kids. He was seriously harsh towards me, and it deeply effected my self esteem to the point of my getting involved in many abusive relationships as an adult and getting an eating disorder too.

Years and years later, I decided I had to forgive him, and luckily, as an adult, he became a much better father to me/us. He softened and became less self centered and more caring.

And now, there's just a big hole in my life because he's gone. He filled an important space for me. I will miss him dearly.

Thanks for reading. Any supportive and comforting words are welcome.