Wow. I could have written a great deal of this thread. I am wife to someone with very similar behaviors/issues. He is working still, but I fear he is having a lot more trouble at work than he admits to (and he is having trouble).

He had some health issues in the past that caused them to send him directly to brain MRI when he finally would go to the doctor. Brain MRI showed nothing structurally wrong. He couldn't pass the basic Neuro tests, but had low B12. Doctor said it wasn't bad but suggested he take megadose B12 for a year. Two weeks later he hopped into a sort of hypomanic phase (not unusual for him, but he can't see it), declared he was fine and that I'm the problem, stopped taking it. Honestly, I don't think the B12 is his only problem- if it's a problem at all. I think he's probably got a comorbity situation going on. Even with the neuro issues, since he still goes to work, they aren't interested in looking any further for issues. He did finally start going to therapy.

One thing that stood out in your posts was your inability to have a conversation with her without it getting turned around on you. None of my needs have been met in the past few years, and my viewpoint is not ever seen during conversations. Instead, the whole thing gets turned around that I am insulting him and tearing him down. Always ends with his anger blamed on something he perceived I did. I think I'm going to have to stop talking to him for the most part. It's counterproductive. I've looked at grey rocking- which someone else mentioned. I do it to some extent to get through, but with him, if I do it indefinitely, he takes that as a sign that everything is fine. As long as everyone always agrees with him and doesn't counter him, everything is fine.

It's Sunday right now and he's been stonewalling dd and myself since Friday. He comes across as very manipulative. The other day he had a fit and then locked himself in the master bedroom. Our teenage dd said, "if he wants to act like a spoiled brat, let him have a time out.". Which is how we handle these things- as if he is a child. Don't reward the bad behavior.

Funny thing, and maybe you can think about this in regard to your wife, the things he does are what he's always done to some extent. Parts of his personality are missing now (the fun and joyful parts), but he's always had an underlying "jerk" streak, though it use to be countered by the nicer parts of him, kwim? He always used the silent treatment against me to some extent, knowing it's painful, but it wasn't used for days on end, and he would acknowledge it and apologize back then. It's like he cared then, and is unable to care now.

Are you familiar with borderline personality? Maybe someone already mentioned it? I think this is my DH and learning about it has given me more tools. I think he was probably high functioning bpd, and I played along unknowingly for years before growing to a new place where I outgrew those dramatic situations. He did definitely get worse too. Did your wife get worse after the kids came? My DH did. Bpd is often associated with childhood trauma (which he undoubtedly has) and I wonder if our dd going through age appropriate stages was triggering for him and made things worse.

Some days I think he's on the bipolar scale, some days I think he has a form of dementia that begins with the behavioral centers of the brain (bvftd), but honestly, I just don't know and am at the point of not caring. He talks to a counselor once a week and a psychiatrist every few months, but I don't know what he tells them and don't think they are getting the big picture. He use to be very different, very kind, and they have no idea how much he's changed. Maybe it doesn't matter.

One diagnosis that's certain in our house is my sickness of codependency. Someone else mentioned that here. Doing codependency work on myself has been the most helpful thing, and the only real thing within my control. It's helped me detach from him, make him responsible for his own stuff, and also taught me to do a better job of taking care of myself. Didn't realize how little I took care of myself while enabling him and trying to raise our dd. I barely know myself anymore.

Honestly, if I could afford to walk away today, I would. But I can't. Financially I don't have options, and having an underage kid worries me, though less now than when she was younger. She understands more and I worry less and less about his family trying to take her away from me at this point. But anyhow, I pray a lot, spend time with my kid and do codependency work. Nothing's changed with him except that I don't waste as much time and don't beat myself up as much.

Sorry this got long. Maybe there are some helpful nuggets in there. Your posts made me feel much less alone today.

I feel for you, RD...