I'm irritable, ready to jump out of my skin, shaking, stressed. There's no way we can pay to fix my mistake and pay for everyone else, hud comes in two days and I'm in no position to do anything about the house being a wreak, We're going to fail it. There's nothing I can do about it. I want to get rid of all the meds but they aren't in my custody.

I feel like having a short life that is true to who you are maybe better then a long life muted. I'm going to try and take them until I see T. She thinks my meds need to be adjusted anyway. I'm just done with this whole med thing but I have to trust them so that they trust me. If I don't take these they can/will hospitalize me. Especially since I don't sleep without the Thorazine. I don't think my meds will stop this so I'm thankful for that. I'm not psychotic, I don't think, so that's good. H says I'm hyper focused on my meds. He doesn't understand why I'd want to be "sick" again. ***** that girl was skinny, had great times, yes had bad times too, but that's what happens when you fly to close to the sun. He's thinking of the times I'd hid in the closet so no one could hurt me. He's not thinking of the times I had a prom dress on dancing in the rain, laughing at everything. He forget the good times. I feel conditionally loved. But in reality I don't think I've showered this month. my days are running together, I need my hair cut it's so matted, but I'm feeling good, want to SH. Pdoc is going to make me depressed because to them, all of them, that's safer, My T keeps saying she's there if I need to call but she lies she's only there Tuesday - Thursday she works 3-12hr shifts. I don't even know what to say to her. I spent more then double my income this month. We're barely half way through the month. I want to drink but that usually goes bad. So I might smoke. I'm not good I'm all over the place. Want to break my wrist but not going to.