I have had and still have similar experiences and feel as you do.

One thing that helped me and still helps me . . .

Since it is impossible to control what another person is going to say or do, solutions will have to do with the after-effects of their words and behaviors. Dealing with the after-effects is not easy as you know and are made more difficult by depression as you also know.

If one feels badly after an encounter like the one you described, it can sometimes be helpful to gain some distance from the thought-stream that such an encounter is engendering in us.

We operate on two different levels: the thoughts and feelings, often distressing and unwelcome that just flow into our minds uninvited and on a second level, our ability to observe this thought stream because we have reflexive consciousness.

Reflexive consiousness allows us not only to think about things but also to think about our thinking about things. Perhaps this is unclear. Apologies for my English. It is a difficult language for me.

Here is an example of a thought stream: feeling hurt, now feeling hurt that I am hurt, now feeling angry at the other person, now feeling nothing, now feeling the anger again, now feeling a little angry at myself for getting angry, now feeling empathy for myself, now feeling a little hatred towards myself for being unable to rise above the hurt, now feeling justified, now feeling sad and hopeless.

This is a sample thought stream in action.

One can briefly step out of this thought-stream and look at it as it is going on: "I am the recipient of a thought stream and emotional stream that I did not invite into my consciousness. If I fight against it, it seems to get stronger. I am going to let it pass. Thoughts and feelings enter into my consciousness and then are pushed out by other thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the process seems to repeat itself going on and on in a kind of vicious cycle. I am currently aware that this is happening. I am aware and am going to let it happen. My automatic thought stream is part of me, not my whole self. I can step out of it and just observe it.

I was in the river and now I have stepped out and am sitting on the bank watching the water pass by so to speak. I am observing an angry thought. I am now observing a sad thought. If I do nothing, one thought will push the other out of the way and replace it and be replaced by others in a never ending stream. I can step out of this stream. That part of me that can step out of the stream is the deepest part of me. If I am pulled back into the negative thought stream, I will not treat it as a big deal.

We are all sort of running on autopilot so much of the time. Often we don't realize it. We tend to take seriously whatever pops into our mind. We might not be aware that there is a part of us that can have feelings about our feelings, have thoughts about our thoughts.

Knowing I can step out of the thought stream even briefly, empowers me. I can intervene into the thought stream with an alternate one." For example: "I was raised to believe that my self-worth was based on what others said and did. This idea was true when I was a small child at the mercy of adults. I grew up feeling my self-worth was always vulnerable and in jeopardy. This has become second-nature with me now. People's innocent or malicious comments can trigger a negative thought stream in me. Okay. Things are what they are. I am older now and can step out of this thought stream when I find that it is preying on me, when it is hurting me."

I can come up with analogies like . . . I am like a mountain. Weather takes place all around me: calm, windy, rainy. Even violent storms take place around me. But I am the mountain. I am not really in jeopardy because of these things.

At some level I realize that a lot of the time people are sort of running on autopilot . . . thinking, saying and doing what pops into their minds. Often their "autopilot" is as it is because of their upbringing, genetics, environment and so on.

When a person says something hurtful I can ask myself: "Did this person say this thing at the end of a long deliberative process where they weighed all the pros and cons, the good and bad effects of such a comment? Did they will with all their mind and will-power to hurt me? Or was such a hurtful comment the result of their own automatic thought stream?"

This is something I learned from cognitive psychology. I don't know if it would be helpful to you. I fear it may not be. If so, please accept my apology. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

I am not a medical professional. I can only share what has helped me in situations like the one you described. Sometimes what helps one person doesn't work for someone else.