It’s so strained between us. I don’t even recognize us anymore. I’ve been behaving like we’re not a couple. I think I’m moving from numb to grief.
I’m also having a hard time accepting the truth. I’ve begged to be treated well. I’ve fooled myself a great deal over the course of this relationship.
I’ve felt rejected, frightened, confused, angry, used even, and I always seem to find a way to make it my fault. I have believed forever that he keeps me safe. But it’s not true.
It’s been such a long relationship with ups and downs that i have so many seemingly conflicting memories. I’m sure I’ve been a jerk plenty of times. I know I’ve always been the apologizer, always.
I don’t know if this relationship has been healthy at all, or good at all? It’s feeling surreal.