Dear K,

The rose I bought 'in memory' of you last year is flowering. And it's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. You meant so much to me. You gave me the gift of life - at least you really helped me to learn how to live it, and that's as good as in my opinion. You taught me that there is goodness in this world. You taught me how to make friends, and helped me to find my true place in this crazy life. And then one day you weren't there anymore. Just like that. And because you didn't die I have no gravestone to visit, no 'special place' to go to to say hi to you. I have no old phone number I can just text randomly with my updates, knowing full well I wouldn't get a response, but being ok with that. In fact, even harder than that, I know you are still out there, just not in the same way as before. Like a ghost almost, a fragment of what once was. Teasing me with your presence but then when I reach out, it's... hollow, somehow.

There is no answer here, I know that. It cannot be what it was; I am grateful for what it is; yet I silently wish for something different. I miss you. I miss us. I miss..... me??

The rose I bought is called 'Peace'. I hope that you are at peace now, and I hope that I can continue to work towards building that peace for myself. I definitely see it sometimes, it comes and it goes, just like a lot of things in life. As a wise woman once told me, 'nothing lasts forever'.

I love you K x