Hi Pam

First, congratulations on your 15 years sobriety. I'm very proud of you. That is a great feat and obviously a lot of hard work and determination on your part.

I never meant to imply that there was a quick fix. I know that I'll be in therapy for many years, maybe the rest of my life for all I know. Nothing comes easy, it is a lot of hard work and reliving some painful times that you would just soon not but have no choice if you want to make any head-way on becoming a better person.

My lack of self-esteem tells me the same as yours did, I really feel like I'm a pain in the ### right now and most people are probably at this point sick of seeing me talk about it. For those reasons, I have not asked for any help here. I am getting help IRL, some from my family, but since they are also dealing with the same crisis, they can only provide so much support for me, they also have to think about themselves even more so and I understand that.

As for my other crisis, I don't think it is appropriate to discuss on the board. Bad move. I think most people here should know what it is and if they choose to PM me then I will take support that way.

I have received one PM that was very unsupportive regarding my mother and I chose not to deal with that person. She doesn't know me or my family and had no right to make the kind of assumptions that she did. Other than that 1 PM, I've received great support via PMs for both crisis'.

They both involve people that I love very deeply and I am completely overwhelmed with each of them singularily and having to deal with both at the same time is way too much for me to bear at this point in my recovery. I'm doing the best I know how.

I've had an emergency session with my T and also been to the crisis unit at the ER at the local hospital, where I was assessed and counciled by both a pdoc and a psychologist.

I have my normal weekly session with my own T on Monday and my normal bi-weekly session with my pdoc on Wednesday.

In regards to your comment 'one day at a time', I'm taking this 'one minute at a time'. That's the only way I can handle it. The situation with my mom is ever-changing, even within a given day.

I will definitely talk with my T on Monday on what she thinks would be the most beneficial in prioritizing all my issues. Finding a T here is not such an easy task. I can't afford to pay for one so I must rely on one that is through a hospital. Then they have this stupid rule that you must get one through the hospital that you live closest too. That really narrows down your options. I'm on my 2nd therapist from that hospital, my current being much better than my last. Hopefully, she will be able to help me learn how to deal with my life. I'm thinking of finding another group therapy as well. I just finished one on BP just before Christmas. I would like to find one on coping or stress management. I will talk to both my T and pdoc about what is available and what they think would be most beneficial for me. Maybe even the crisis hotline might be able to steer me in the right direction.

I have a very difficult time not focusing on the negative, my entire life has been one negative thing after another but I'm trying even though it might appear that I'm not. Why are people afraid of my pain? Is it a possible trigger for them? I do have a definite problem when somebody posts something about me that is not true. I feel the need to defend myself as I'm sure most everyone does. I don't think there would be very many people here who would want untrue statements posted here about them for others to read and believe are the truth because they weren't defended.

I'm longing to find that place you call peace and have been my entire life. I personally feel it is the single most important thing in life because if you have peace then everything else fell into place that you are comfortable with. Peace is my ultimate goal. Part of finding peace for me is being loved, not just by my family or forum members, but a romantic love. That seems to elude me. I really feel that it's not going to be in my future and right now that brings me anything but peace since I crave it so much. I need that romantic love. I'm not ready to give up on it but at the same time I don't think I'm ever going to get it either. That makes me incredibly sad. I did have it until extremely recently but lost it. Once again I screwed up and lost somebody that I truly love and it hurts like HELL; hence my other crisis. Without that, I'll never have peace.

Thanks for your words of wisdom and your well-wishes.

Love, hope and strength. The three things that are the highest on my list. With them I would have peace.

I wish you the same love, hope, peace and continued success in your sobriety.