And her boundaries have changed! Especially from covid times to now. During covid, I had her full attention. We had the office to ourselves. I could talk to her at night. She wrote me long reminder emails everyday. She spoiled me during covid. And now that she has her life back again, she's too busy for me. Her reminder emails are two to three sentences. She's never available at night. She moved offices. She has her client load back and now extra work because she owns part of the business now. I really wonder if she can handle a client like me anymore. I really feel like I'm just too much, too difficult, depend on her too much. I don't regret being with her. I still love her. But I don't feel I can trust her at least not right now.

But again, somehow when I've thought other ruptures were the end, they haven't been. So I'm trying to hold onto what hope I have that she will help make it all better. I don't know how she will. Maybe my emotions are just really high right now? But that's also why I need her so much.

I just went through a move, evaded eviction, got sued instead, dad's dog died, always sister's drama, had to quit smoking for good this week, had covid, only got to see L for one week in-person in 5 weeks, and there's always the looming threat that she might move.