Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlingflock
You’re right, she didn’t say symptoms, rather she said the behavior/incident we were discussing was NOT a symptom of mental illness. She said it’s indicative of a personality disorder. And then she told me how that came to be for him and how he behaves, based on the things she knows about his upbringing. It wasn’t a way to excuse his behavior though. And then she said he has addiction on top of it all, as well. Basically saying there’s no room left for anything healthy with us, I’m sure, or she’s just leveling with me. Its not reasons or excuses to keep sticking it out.
I have been backed in that corner and working on seeing my way out. I understand that I was raised to think this way because of my dad, mom. My dad had so much power over me and I never knew any other way. I was very afraid of him, yet couldn’t admit that, and thought we had a very close relationship full of love, but it was completely unhealthy. Even my relationship with my mom was unhealthy and I had to cut her out of my life. I have only a few relationships and connections that I maintain. I’ve always been quite uncomfortable with friendship, and always put my energy in unhealthy romantic relationships or just immediate family.
I have spent many years overcoming obstacles. More than once I’ve had to start over in my belief systems. I’ve starting over again. I’m just beginning to clearly see I’ve been believing in myths. I already had identified an entire sheet of paper of myths years ago, and here I am doing it again because there were just that many I guess!! I couldn’t even look people in the eye for several years of my life as a child. I was not safe or secure!
I need confidence!
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I wasn't talking about what "she said." I really don't care what "she said." This is about what "you" say. You keep describing your husband as "sick."
You are not being "backed into a corner." You are backing into a corner. There's a difference.
You spoke earlier of shame being thrown at you. Nothing is being thrown at you (except your husband's insults.)
It truly is shameful to abandon a spouse because one is tired of his "sickness." As long as you see him as a "sick" person, you will feel ashamed of failing to support him. And you will deserve to feel shame. It is wrong to blame someone for being sick.
Yes, your husband is sick. But that's not the whole story, as you keep making it be. He is a bad person. He engages in evil behavior. Mental illness doesn't make a person bad. He's bad because he lacks moral values. He believes he has a right to do whatever he can get away with. That belief didn't come from being mentally ill. It probably came from growing up under the influence of someone who lacked moral integrity.
Your husband's lack of moral values comes from his beliefs about right and wrong. It is not a sickness. It is an evil way of thinking. At his age, that way of thinking is hard-wired in his head. You will not change it by pleading with him to adopt a "healthy" approach to life. Doing what is right is something He Does Not Care About.