I think that it can help if you adjust your inner dialogue. It’s not women you hate it’s how uncomfortable you feel right now about them. You anticipate a possible rejection so you set things up to fail. Too afraid to lose so you find a way to end the game and avoid playing it out.

The positive for you right now is that you are willing to self reflect.

I saw a lot of abuse and bullying growing up. I saw the hurt it caused and I decided that I would not be mean and bully.

You can feed the fear and develop into engaging in dysfunctional patterns to maintain a sense of power and control or you can work towards being ok with being vulnerable at times.