I don't believe anyone chooses to have a personality disorder any more than they choose their sexual orientation or their blood type. I'm really not looking to blame your husband for being as he is. By the way, he is not an idiot. (And neither are you.) Your husband is a clever guy. He's getting a lot of needs met, without having to do much to earn what he gets. He's figured out how to keep you exactly where he wants you. He's far from stupid.

I believe he does have "agency." I suspect he would be capable of switching to a different behavior pattern, if he had sufficient incentive. By that I mean, if his bad behavior had serious enough bad consequences for him. I worked as a nurse in the psychiatric division of a men's prison. A prison population is pretty stable, so I got to know these inmates pretty well. They were in prison because they had done bad things . . . as bad as you can imagine. Some had raped and murdered children. They were in the psych units because they had mental illness. Guess how they behaved? Most of the time, most of them behaved just fine. They were all, quite consistently, very nice to me. This is because they were tightly controlled. An inmate who doesn't play nice with his peers ends up getting locked down alone in his cell 23 hours a day. An inmate who behaves nicely toward a prison nurse gets treated nicely in return. He's apt to get more attention from the nurse. You'ld be amazed how well-mannered this population of men behaved . . . toward each other and toward the staff.

If your husband got put in prison, his behavior would probably improve to an astonishing degree. Once he learned the consequences for bad behavior, he'ld probably modify that behavior in a good direction because he's not stupid. The threat of being isolated works wonders as a powerful incentive.

People of very bad character need to be in an environnent where they are tightly controlled. Once they are subject to that much control, they often demonstrate behavior that is just fine. Our prisons hold some notorious inmates, convicted of monstrous crimes, who are currently behaving as nicely as you could wish. They just needed the right set of incentives. Maybe you've heard of Scott Peterson. He murdered his pregnant wife. The authorities at San Quentin say he "has no rules violations." He follows the prison regulations. If your husband were locked up, he wouldn't treat anyone there the way he treats you. He'ld choose different behavior because he would face consequences that would effectively motivate him. Your husband will act just as crappy as he can get away with. That is not mainly driven by being "sick." That is driven by his lack of character. You will never have sufficient leverage over your husband to modify his behavior.

I'm not telling you to leave him or throw him out. I'm encouraging you to face the reality of who and what he is . . . and the reality of what influence you can or can't have on him. You and your therapist can analyze this guy until the cows come home. It's not going to lead to you figuring out how to get him to change. But you're not ready to let go of that hope. Maybe you never will be. This is not you being an idiot. This is you trying to find an option that doesn't exist. You've bought in to the idea that your husband is sick and that, with enough medical help, he can become well. You've been sold a bill of goods. That false idea floats around in our society, and you got infected with it.