Starlingflock, it’s not unusual for someone to marry someone that is similar to a toxic parent. It’s not an intentional choice, however often key red flags are missed because a person can feel safe due to what’s familiar. Also twenty years ago we simply were not exposed to all the information about personality disorders and toxic behavior red flags like we experience now.

I married a binge alcoholic just like my father, I didn’t know what that was and what happens when dealing with an individual that has addiction problems. They typically present a certain cycle of behaviors AND can continue these behaviors even if they stop using. This is known as dry drunk behavior. If a person grows up with this it may be something they get used to not recognizing how it’s affecting them adversely. Instead these mood swings they live around in a parent are expected.

In therapy I had learned that my life revolved around the mood swings of an addicted personality. And it is living with a disordered individual. People with this problem can be charming and caring and nice and their mood changes. I was told that even though my husband finally got sober and attended AA, he would need therapy to address his mood swings and how that affected his family.

It’s not unusual to get to the point that you are sharing where your husband’s issues have become too difficult. He is also going to continue to manipulate you to put up with him as this has worked for him for years.

This is not a quick fix when you can’t be independent due to finances. However, you are still young enough where you can work towards being more independent. Plenty of women take this path.

My concern is how this is affecting your children. I think you should have a private talk with your children about this. Let them share their concerns.