So I really don’t know where to begin. My ex-wife and I met 23 years ago. She had a boy whose bio Dad was abusive and overall just not a good guy. I fell in love with her and her son, my son. I adopted him when he was 4. I took her away from a tumultuous environment, living with her Mom, and tried to build a loving, safe home. At one point she indicated that she wanted to pursue being a professional photographer. So i gave up my dreams, was a musician who worked in the financial industry during the day, and solely focused on building my financial career. This entailed moving away to a different state to more than double my income. So I focused and I worked hard and she was able to quit her job and just focus on being a photographer. I loved it. I felt good that was something that I could do.

Well my career path took us back to our home state. However, I had to fly back and forth to Dallas every week only seeing my family for 3 days a week. I am a huge family guy and was madly in love with my wife so this was very hard but I knew I was doing right by them. Well at this point my wife began to lose quite a bit of weight. She then asked me for cosmetic surgery. I tried to convince her that I thought we was the most beautiful woman in the world just as she was. She said she wanted it to feel good about herself. So I gave her one of my bonus checks band off she went. I helped her through it, I helped her recover. Then in Jan, after she had recovered she came and told me she did not know if she was happy in the marriage. I was blown away. After what she told me I thought it was all me. I was being too controlling, too needy in wanting to spend time with my family. So I stayed up all night and researched everything I could. I got into therapy and focused on trying to a better man. Then I saw the phone bill.

Long story short, she had been talking to other men since before the surgery. I called them and in speaking with them discovered that my wife who I devoted my entire life to, posted 40+ pics of herself in the lingerie that I bought her. In poses that absolutely ripped my soul from my body. All the while as I uncovered piece by piece she denied, lied, hid. Finally everything came out. And like a fool, I said you know what we can get through all of this. I love you and lets get into therapy and we will figure it out together. So we started therapy and then everything went to hell.

In March of last year, my Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My Mother was more of a Mom to her then her own Mom who she had not spoken with for 8 years. In April, I was then diagnosed with lung cancer. During that time my wife could only get drunk to make love to me, which btw she said that term made her sick to her stomach ‘making love’. On two occasions she became belligerent and demeaning at the most intimate moments a husband has with a wife. She also hit me, to which I walked away. She peed the bed. Which I helped her to the shower to clean her off, changed the sheets and put her back. In the morning I confronted her and she said she did not remember.

She fell to her knees and begged me to stay. I said I would and there was nothing that we could not get through. So 15 sessions later and a week before my surgery out of the blue she said she was done.

My Mother died on March 2 of this year. My divorce was final on the same day. During the divorce my ex tried to take me for everything that I was worth and then blamed me for hiring a good attorney.

So here is the problem. Why so I still mourn her? Why do I miss her so? Why am I still in love? I have tried to reconnect despite everything and she says that she just wants to live alone since she never has and only wants to rely on herself. She depended on me too much. Yet for 4 more years she is obtaining a good portion of my future income. That is all I am to her anymore is a paycheck. So how messed up am I that I still love and miss my wife?

Please how do I get past this? I am so tired of being tired and I don’t want to feel this hole in my chest anymore.