It feels as though I’m going through the stages of grief. I have experienced:

Denial: whilst I was still at the family home, hunting for a place to move into, I occasionally felt the unexpected rush of excitement at starting over. I’d fantasise that moving out would allow V***** and I emotional/physical space to work through our problems. I hadn’t even begun see the situation as it really was. Utterly unable to comprehend the degree to which we had deteriorated. There was nothing left to salvage. No intimacy. No respect, love or desire to continue. I never, not once, saw this. Carried on as if a relationship without sex but with unhappiness and anger was somehow normal (perhaps it was for me...?) or would magically begin to resolve. It couldn’t and never would. On New Years Eve V***** insisted I stay up with her. We sat on opposite sofas. We drank and watched TV. At midnight she stood at the window watching fireworks. I lay dozing longing for bed. No embrace or good will. Just two souls a million miles apart.

Anger: It was mostly contained but I recall the night I had a meltdown with the kids and called V***** hoping for support. She refused to come home, choosing to stay out drinking. When she finally returned we argued. She told me to go, to move out. I did something I never do in anger: I got in the car and drove fast going nowhere in particular. I got angry/upset at related things, too. I suspected all the details of our marriage - my failures and shortcomings - were being shared with her friends. It was almost too much to contemplate. I was acutely embarrassed and hated her for it. Hated her for doing what I have never been able to do - find support in friends.

Bargaining: Related to denial. In vulnerable moments I believed that if I could only prove to V***** I was changing - get into therapy, lose weight, be more confident, face issues, not be weak and angry, more social, more of a man - she’d soften, we’d talk, it’d be ‘normal’, we’d resume a relationship, albeit living apart. If I do these things it’ll all work out.


I suppose after nine years of living with another person some habits die hard.

Depression: Recently, I was brought crashing back to earth when V***** raised the issue of divorce. I knew it was coming but had not yet begun to process the notion. She wants out. She wants to do it for herself. She wants to put more distance between us. V***** once told me our marriage was a mistake and hearing this hurt. It may well have been true, but it unsettled me for a good couple of weeks. I’ve mentioned previously that I think she dislikes me. Either way she suspects I deliberately made her pregnant to keep her close and resents me for a number of other reasons which have been building steadily over the years.

I knew something was wrong because I went from optimism, being future-focussed (I thought I was coping OK. I wasn’t) to being paralysed with sadness. I literally stopped doing anything for several weeks. Emotions see-sawed. Walking, exercise and the support of work colleagues (the only people I talk to about separating) helped get me through it. I think I’m better now.

Acceptance: Today my mood shifted again. I don’t entirely trust that it signifies anything but where I am at this moment in time, though. I’ve been feeling a little defiant over the divorce. I’ve told V***** I’m not willing to pay for it since she is the petitioner. I don’t feel too badly about this.


Money has also, inevitably, become an issue. Before I left the family home she asked how much I was willing to pay each month. Without thinking I agreed to pay £300 which became £380 after she wanted to share responsibility for the kids out-of-school activities etc (on the face of it I think this is fair enough).

I moved out. Rent was due, Council Tax, Petrol, Utility bills, car repayments, etc, etc and I realised how unrealistic my offer had been. I wasn’t going to make the first rent payment. V***** didn’t want to hear about it. We argued on my doorstep but I insisted I had to pay £50 less. Now, I need to negotiate it slightly lower again in order to keep my head above water. Again she shouted me down and pointed out her own out-goings. I’m considering going through the Child Maintenance Service. At least that way it’ll be automatic and at a level which is legally determined.

I signed the initial divorce paper. It made the finality of what we had very real. I know I’m alone again though I think she deserves better from life than she experienced with me.

I’m not on a big salary. She earns three-times what I do. I’ve had to make sacrifices and feel she should too if necessary. Our girls will never go without (I just paid for a holiday away with them which they’re so very excited about). I see them regularly and they stay with me two-three nights per-week. We’ll have to return to the subject of monthly payments at some time. I want to be fair on V***** but won’t do this at my own expense. £200 per month is not enough for me to live on.