I felt like I was tripping last night from too much alcohol, energy drink and trying to skip the olanzepine. DP/DR, tears pouring down my face (And I wasn't crying). I Googled a lot of weird stuff (Such as, "I'm beyond this reality" and "I can't do this anymore"), had bad intrusive OCD thoughts.

I use magical thinking to play mind tricks on myself such as, "If my cat jumps off the bed, I'm going to die tonight" - and my cat did.. So I said, "If this next heart beat doesn't stop, I won't die tonight" - And so I get myself out of it.

I had intrusive thoughts about harming my cat (Which I would never do).. But also like.. Being attacked by my thoughts philosophically.. Isolation.. - That's the problem. I wonder about what people are doing - And I'm just alone in my room and I don't want to live this life anymore. Yet I have a desire to be self-destructive. I was in the bathroom, screaming at myself in the mirror, saying "WTF is all of this", swinging my arms in the air, laughing.

The feeling of every single one of my thoughts being broadcasted inter dimensionally, to the CIA or gang stalkers, being watched.

But I'm OK now.. This stuff happens often enough that I just accept it. A lot of the thoughts I have are mystical but the alcohol can drain my serotonin (OCD, DP/DR) and then my dopamine (Mild psychosis) so I'm less aware and feel good at first - And then tuned out, feeling bad.

So that's how my night went ^-;

I'm doing so good but I mess it up - I have all the right meds, good job, live in a great place, things to look forward to, freedom, ability to relax.. So I can't mess it up anymore.. I just have bad memories of the past and they haunt me every second of every day.

I don't feel like making an appointment with my therapist right now - It seems like too much work. I think she judges me - Like I think about with everyone in my life.