I posted this message below on the new member forum. I think I agree with some of the people on this list.

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Hola!

I joined this group because I'm not sure if I'm depressed and I can't bring myself to make an appointment with the doc just to ask him if he thinks I'm depressed because of basic drama in my life. If I describe a few details, someone will give me a suggestion or 2?

I could go on and on, but the short version of the story is that I've spent almost my entire life frustrated over the way other people treat me. I get so frustrated, I end up mulling over the situation(s) for years and having moments of internal anger that affect my ability to be happy. I keep having to "shake it off." I end relationships (all kinds) because I can't get over the pain the person has caused. I start new relationships, only to have the new people do something that hurts. After a recent friendship drizzled, I mused that I myself must be the problem. I used to try to find books and articles on the "issue", but I never did. So, I reasoned that the rest of the world is pretty screwed up. I'd take the little depression tests, but I never quite fit the description or not enough boxes were checked. I tried talking to people about it, they'd always agree that I was right to be upset, but felt that I should do a better job of forgiving and forgetting. I'd try it, only to be hurt again, sometimes by the very person I confided in. I always end up saying, "But I never did anything wrong to them...."

OK, so you must wonder what is it that I keep getting mad about that I can't seem to shake off that gets me steaming so much I'd rather be a hermit. The root of the frustrations may be that I was severly teased as a child, for no apparent reason than that I was too nice to fight back, so bullies used me as a easy target practice. The worst of it occured during a bussing year that I had to attend a pretty rough school and I was severly bullied by a set of low-income kids (who I now understand were frustrated themselves.) No teachers, no adults, no parents, no one came to my aid. No one. The year ended with a redistricting and I gladly said good-bye to the school, however my inability to handle threat never changed. There are adult bullies, but being socially naive, I never see them coming. Still, you would think that I'd have some people close to me right?

Some how I think I must bring out the worst in people, without trying. I am supportive of desires other people have. I believe we all have something to contribute to this world. .... I get a better paying job, I think everyone should be happy for me. Inevitably, someone makes a remark that shows they're jealous...I stop talking to them. I can recall graduating from college and thinking everyone around me would be happy. How I wish someone had warned me that there would be people, who I thought were friends, who were not truly happy for me. They said a few mean things. I stopped talking to them. I've aged fairly well, most people think I'm younger than I am. Though I'm not the bragging or flashy type, some people I thought were friends became evil. I stopped talking to them. You know, you read all that stuff about letting go of toxic friends...gosh, how can I keep getting toxic friends and family too? Does being humble mean hiding accomplishments? Is it that I need to learn to deal with the little impurities of human nature....am I supposed to accept bad behavior or are all those other people supposed to learn to be nice?

I've had bully co-workers too. I've had things done to me that are truly too sad for me to even write about. Every time it's all about competition. I get credit for doing honest hard work, someone else doesn't like it and tries to bring me down. Eventually I quit.

I'll mull over something someone said for years, literally, I've tried confronting people, it doesn't work. They get defensive. (Before I confront people, I always run it by a 3rd party to make sure I'm not overreacting and that I have a good reason for the confrontation.) I get frustrated, since it's a big effort for me to confront them in the first place. I give up and stop talking to them.

I've tried studying how other people maintain relationships. When I'm just getting to know people, it always seems good. Then, over and over, without fail, I get hurt over something someone said or even did.

I have maintained a healthy relationship with my beau of 10 years, who ironically admits to being a bully in his childhood. My latest drama is that someone close to both of us has abused our trust. He can forgive and forget so fast, but I'm steaming over it.

What do you think, is it depression that keeps me from shaking off these trespasses? Is it post-traumatic stress from my childhood that I still haven't learned how to deal with people...which in turn keeps me feeling sad? No addictions or suicide...what should I do?