I’m feeling very fragile and have been for a few days. RS just told me that because his boss got hurt and is out he can no longer take next week off to help me with CR during his surgery. He can come with us on Wednesday for the actual surgery but after that I’m on my own. Obviously this is not RS’s fault, just bad timing for his boss to get hurt. I just feel like crying though.

I’m just feeling so very alone these days. There’s no one who can really help me with anything regarding CR. My mom works. If I was even talking to my brother it doesn’t matter because they work as well. My grandma is too far, she is too anxious to drive outside her town now.

I mean it’s not even just the actual physical help of bringing things to the house if we need them. We live in the age of digital delivery. It’s the emotional burden I’m carrying. I guess I’m mourning the loss of relationship between my brother and I. And the temporary hold on my relationship with my other SIL. There’s just…no one. Obviously there’s RS but it’s still very lonely if it’s just one person. I especially don’t want to overwhelm or overburden him with the weight of my problems.

I don’t know. I will have a therapist outside of group but the therapist relationship is just not the same as a friend one, and it shouldn’t be. I don’t have anyone to go out with, to have a “night off” or “ladies night out” with. To even hang out during the day this summer with.

It’s a fortress I’ve made myself and now that I kind of want to let down the drawbridge and call off the soldiers it’s too late because there’s no one on the other side still fighting to get in.

Ah well.