That would be my own tendency.... to confront the commentary and tell her directly that it's hurtful. I like all the other suggestions made too though. All suggestions here are good ones.

When she made the comment about tanning, I just became quiet and didn't say a word in response. When she says things like this to me, I am caught off guard because I am in a relaxed state, we may have been laughing and having a good time just beforehand, and then ZING! Out of left field comes one of her hurtful comments, and I am suddenly thrown off by it. Then I freeze in response.

She IS a very unhappy person - this is a fact. She lost her teeth, she can hardly walk and is in a lot of pain in her legs, she lost her husband a year ago and she is miserable living with her son and daughter in-law in California.

Last night at dinner my husband was even looking for apartments for her in our area - which we've already determined she cannot afford. I don't know WHY he was even bothering to look at the real estate online while at dinner. She's desperate to leave California and come back out east to live near us. But she cannot afford anything. She has very little money and will have to live on social security benefits. She could afford subsidized housing, but she refuses this option. She's too "above" that.