I may have similar problem. I was abused, and sexually harassed by boys in middle school since I was 12. Every day was hell, and I was just a child, and I didn't understand why they do that. It was long time ago, in 80s so there was no social conscience about SH in schools, and no one reacted. I complained no one cared.
And I felt guilty and like something is wrong with me for so so long. I think I still feel that way.
So now, I push away relationship with men. Sadly I am straight so I have no alternative, but as soon as some man is interested I start to resent him and detach. I stayed with one boyfriend longest maybe because he was basically unattainable, I would and will never have him. All other relationships I sabotaged quite fast. I feel sometimes resent towards men. Sometimes, I see them as animals. I've been s. harassed a lot later in life too.
It's hard to recover after you have been abused it leaves a mark. I would like to help you but I have same problem and don't know how to solve it.
I am very aware only minor percent of men are abusers or dangerous but I can't help this.