Unsure whether to wade back in here....but I think I could use some perspective. So things had been going pretty well with Dr. T. I knew he was going to be on vacation the week of 7/11 and am set up to see his backup. Yesterday, at the start of session, he said, "Oh, I'm going to be just doing virtual sessions all next week before my vacation." I said OK, though I'm not sure it fully registered at the time. We talked about some other stuff with my D for about 20 minutes. Then, I started crying.

He asked what was going on, and I said it was hitting me more about his doing virtual next week. He said it had been a last-minute decision that day. How he "lives in a democracy," and there are two other people (his wife and teen-aged son), so they voted for him to work virtually before the vacation to be safe.

I talked about how that was difficult for me, especially finding out at the last minute. I said I understood why he was doing virtual, but it still upset me. Cried some more. He said, "In-person is really important to you, isn't it?" I said yes and tried to explain why, like about the dedicated space, seeing full body language in person, the "energy," etc., but don't feel I did a good job of it, as he seemed sort of puzzled. He said I wasn't the only client who felt that way, how a few won't even see him at all unless it's in person.

I kept crying, then apologizing. He kept saying it was OK. I said I was worried that something would happen while he was away and that we wouldn't resume in person for a long time. He asked if I meant that there would be a change in case numbers, and I said yes, to make him decide to stay virtual, or that he'd get Covid and have to be off for some time. He said that with what he was doing on vacation (he confirmed he was driving), it would be no more risky than his seeing clients in person.

I was still emotional about it and said that he probably expected me to react this way, and he said he wasn't surprised. He said he wondered if it felt like, going to virtual, he was pulling back, and then, going on vacation, he was pulling back more? I said that was exactly what it felt like.

We meet tomorrow (Sunday--he works those usually anyway) because his schedule is weird next week (off Wednesday)--when I left he said, "We'll talk Sunday." And he'd said earlier in session that it was probably good that we were meeting then instead of the usual Monday.

It's still distressing to me, but I'm not fully sure how to explain it to him. Part of it is how it was last minute. But I know a big part of my fear is that his wife/son will be like, "Well, it was nice not having to worry about you catching Covid that week, so how about you just do virtual until it goes away?" (Which it sounds like it never truly will.) If it's truly a democracy, then they would rule every time. And I really feel like a big part of this is that, as he's done other times, he's sort of shifting the blame to his wife (adding in his son this time), rather than taking ownership of his decisions. So then it feels, in a way, that it's harder to be angry at him, as he'd be like, "Well, it wasn't me, it was my wife." Even though ultimately, it's up to him, right?

I know I'm likely "overreacting," to use a phrase from earlier in the thread (where he confirmed that I was, though about something else). I just feel like this triggers my abandonment fears.

Any thoughts? ("You're overreacting" will not be helpful! I already feel ashamed about it as it is, which is why I kept apologizing.)