I wouldn't say that tears get me what I want. Like it's certainly not an intentional thing, and I kept apologizing. Because I didn't *want* to be reacting that way. I wanted to just be like, "OK, I completely understand," then move on to other things.

I do feel that tears are often a reaction for me (in therapy or otherwise) when I'm not saying what I really want to say to the other person. I think of a relationship in college (years ago!) where I'd be upset or unhappy with my boyfriend and would just end up crying instead of actually telling him why I'm upset. (I'm sort of amazed he put up with it as long as he did....).

So in this case, I'm upset with Dr. T because of this, but I also understand why he's doing it. So I don't feel like I can be all, "How dare you prioritize your family instead of your clients!"

It's very much like how I could be upset with ex-MC when he had to cancel at the last minute or was looking at his phone every time it rang or he got a text (sometimes a few times a session) once I knew his wife was sick (and before she died), because of course he had to make sure it wasn't about her. But it was still very disruptive to the sessions. So I'd end up crying about it (not, like, in the moment when he got a text).

I think it was a learned response from childhood to not express anger or disappointment or other negative feelings verbally to people, and sometimes the feelings would be too much to just hold in entirely, so they came out as tears. So I do often see tears as a sign of "OK, something is going on here with me, need to examine that."

I think this could be a good thing to pursue with Dr. T more, the tears as suppressed other emotions--though sometimes they're just sadness or a sort of release. But maybe learning to tell the difference? Like, are these just tears, or is there something beneath the surface that I'm not expressing? Not even in terms of being upset with Dr. T, but maybe about the situation in general, like, in this case, I'm tired of Covid interfering with my life. (Or, perhaps, I'm tired of other people making decisions that affect me without my having any input.) Which might be what I really need to talk about.