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Originally Posted by Rive.
You're not overreacting LT, these are your feelings and as such, valid. I think (assume?) it doesn't help when (a) he doesn't really get it and (b) it is a done deal i.e. whatever you feel, this is his decision and he is in effect 'leaving' you and (c) his 'real life' takes priority over his clients.
Frankly, the 'not taking ownership' part is also striking for me. I mean. This is a blurring of boundaries (why tell clients this?!) and also makes him seem cowardly: 'it's not me, *they* are making me do it'. I mean, come on, grow up and own up to your decisions...
I know these are uncertain times and the future (i.e. what will happen) isn't guaranteed but it seems *he* also is fostering this shaky, uncertain, ground with you. And how is that helpful..
Finally, I also feel that your deep core issues are not being addressed. It seems more like a band-aid strategy: e.g. calling a friend, posting here, whatever. These are distractions. The inner wound is still untouched.
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Thanks, Rive. That's a good point on how he's fostering the shaky, uncertain ground. Today I said how it had helped that earlier on, he'd said he could give me a week's notice if he had to switch (longer-term) back to virtual. And then when I had mentioned it a month or two later, he said he didn't know that he could give me a week. And I said the week had been this thing I'd been holding onto (like, I'd have time to process it), and it felt like that had been taken away.
He said that he realized an error he makes at times with me and other clients is promising something that he shouldn't promise. How he wasn't sure if I'd done this, but other clients had said, "But you told me x," but that had been, say, 2 years ago and maybe no longer applied. So that he should be more careful around that in general.
I agree it's a sort of blurring of boundaries bringing his wife and especially son into it. Especially as prepandemic, he rarely mentioned them (and would, for some reason, sometimes call her "my spouse"). But I feel she comes up regularly now.
I did bring up today, closer to the end of session, how it felt like his saying it was their decision felt like a shifting of the blame, like "Don't blame me, it wasn't my decision!" Like I couldn't be mad at him, because it wasn't his fault. He thought for a minute and said how he could see why it would feel that way.
But that in this case, he said he thought I would understand more because it was essentially their decision. How he couldn't really say it was his decision and rationalize it to me because he didn't agree that it was the right choice. He said if he was single or married to someone who wasn't so worried about getting Covid before a vacation, he'd have still done in-person this week (note: he's never said anything about her being higher-risk for any reason). But that sometimes in a marriage, you have to make accommodations for each other. He said he had thought about maybe just being virtual for a couple days before the vacation, which would have only affected 1 session for me and been a week's notice. But then they suddenly pushed for a full week.
And in comments that I think definitely blurred a boundary, he said that if he'd gotten Covid from a client in the week before their family vacation and caused them to not be able to go, that he was probably exaggerating, but he wouldn't be surprised if his wife would be looking up divorce attorneys.
But anyway, yes, I do feel like my core wound needs more healing. We do talk about childhood stuff, abandonment fears, etc. I think we need to spend more time in that area. My being so reactionary to things that from the outside seem minor, like switching to virtual for a week, suggest I clearly need more help with it, as I know it's not just about his changing his schedule/method of delivery therapy--it's obviously about something bigger and deeper than that for me. Though he did at least say that he understood how it could feel like abandonment, as between virtual and vacation, it would be 2 weeks before I saw him in person again.