Quote:
Originally Posted by zoiecat
I agree this is a bit blunt but it is a good concept to learn about dealing with life. We cannot control other people and unless we are in love with someone oe we are doing something morally wrong it is questionable if we should change ourselves for someone else.
In DBT there are relationship skills using DEAR MAN that can help you look at things from both sides and create an approach to express your needs and ask for what you want in a way that is mutually beneficial to the other person making it more likely they will respond favorably.
But there is also something call Radical Acceptance for when you cannot change what is bothering you. Covid is something we have to radically accept to a certain degree which branches off into many more avenues of our past way of life.
Then there is something called Check the Facts. I know you are dissapointed and it feels like he is doing this against you. It feels like if he really cared about you he would go against his families wishes. It is perfectly fine for you to feel that way those are your feelings. But looking strictly at the facts 1. Covid is an easily transmittable virus 2. Your T is going on vacation 3. Your T has made the decision to only work virtually next week Those are all true facts. All of the what ifs and he should have said this or could do this instead is not fact. Those are thoughts spinning around in your head trying to create the reality of your choosing to make your life easier.
While it is your T job to work with you and help you improve yourself to make a better life, he also has his own autonomy and life to contend with and own decisions to make. Yes, one of those decisions may involve doing something to make his family more comfortable. Sorry to put my opinion in here but I don't think he does a very good job completing the first sentence here and I will leave it at that.
I know this is feeding into your desire to overanalyze things but have you considered that possibly he is giving you the wife and son excuse because he thinks you will accept that easier than if it was his decision alone? Based on things you have quoted from him in the past it seems like he trues to word things carefully with you to avoid undesired consequences. He may be thinking that when he gives you his own decision you tend to push back and a rupture begins until he gives in to your request. Ex: standing after session, the stone, etc. Just maybe...his attempt to predetermine your reaction based on past experience failed this time. Just a thought.
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Thanks, Zoiecat. You're right that I need to get better at just accepting the facts as they are. It's also a thing where I can know that I should accept the facts, then get upset with myself that I can't just do that. Or feeling like I shouldn't express my emotions because they won't change the facts or because it could seem like I'm trying to make someone feel guilty.
One thing that did help me today is Dr. T saying he understood (without my saying it) how it might make me feel that I'm less important, that his family is taking priority right now. And that he knows I may understand something intellectually, like this situation, but there can still be feelings about it. Maybe that seems to conflict with what you're saying, but getting validation about my feelings, even though nothing will change as a result of them, is helpful to me. (Particularly validation without feeling judged--he wasn't like, "Of course I have to put my family first, you're just a client!" Because I already judge myself plenty.)
I mentioned in my previous post how I did talk about how it seemed like he was trying to shift the blame to his wife/son. And that conversation helped, too. I mean, that basically *was* what he was doing because he wouldn't have made the same decision on his own.
You may be right that he tried to predetermine my reaction here and failed. One thing I said today was that it felt like I couldn't be upset with him (even knowing nothing would change) because it wasn't his fault. So I felt sort of stuck in that sense, and I thought it was why I just ended up doing a lot of crying Friday instead of, say, expressing any sort of anger. He seemed to understand that.
He did say on Friday, too, that he appreciated that I wasn't trying to do anything to try to change his mind (like offer to test before session, wear a mask, etc.). So maybe there is some level of acceptance for me here? I can accept something while still being upset about it, right?