Why is your goal here to bare your rawest feelings at another person, your t or otherwise? Isnt that technically just having a tantrum? Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of that. You can do that until age 3. After that, it's either deal with it, or passive aggression. Passive aggression has always been my choice, to where at age 50 plus, in a DBT class exercise, i could barely squeak out the word "no". (That WAS the exercise!)

LT, you asked for honesty from him in the stand up incident. Its not like he's overwhelming you with an emotional display. He says it gently. He tries to couch it as a joke. He says it gently again. You press on. You dont respect his autonomy.

I get that. I had no autonomy from my mother. I existed only because of, and therefore FOR, her.

I think you gave up a lot of your own autonomy when you had a child. Now not only she, but your H and all the grands have a claim on you. That would make me crazy.

Maybe you should do one of those primal scream therapies? As taylor swift says, shake it off.

I used to think i needed to marry a t. Now that just seems annoying. But at the time i felt i needed protection from my family. Now ive built my own protection from my family. i have agency. And im not so hungry anymore.

ETA - In post 300, you talk about judging yourself. To me it sounds like you are feeling that some t writers call The Basic Fault. Or what people here are calling a core wound? What helped heal it for me is learning that i was not alone in experiencing it - its "just" a human experience.