Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Thanks, QM. This fits with something I was considering earlier, actually.
I was thinking about how maybe it would help if we could work on my expressing anger or even just irritation or annoyance toward him. Being able to express it, then maybe examine it, without him necessarily getting defensive or else lashing out in response. I'm not good at expressing anger (or other negative emotions) toward people, and I feel this could be a place where I could try it out.
But if he's going to be like (to use the recent thing as an example): "Well, of course my family has to come first!" or "I'm not going to risk my marriage so that we can meet in person," that's not going to be helpful to me. If I could express it and we could talk about, say, what it felt like for me to say that, how it came across to him (without his getting defensive).
It's something that could help me in my outside life. I feel like it often comes out wrong when I try to express negative emotions to H, for example. And it definitely did with a former friend (as she ended the friendship over a reaction I had, though tbh, it had been going poorly for a long time).
That's also helpful to know how your T handles SH.
|
Part of my therapy has also involved learning to express irritation, annoyance, and anger (when appropriate) towards my therapist, as well as taking in her feedback that she feels annoyed when I interrupt her a lot, feels hurt when I unfairly lump her in with particular people.
There's been times where I wasn't being unfair towards her but she didn't understand why I was so upset/angry and we worked through it. I usually needed to cry a lot and express anger (never verbal abuse though), and she'd even encourage it because I found it really difficult to cry or express anger. Then we worked through it.
We do also explore when I do lash out inappropriately at her due to transference (Not saying you do that!) and what was provoked/triggered. I don't lash out at people in general, so for a long time I wasn't aware of the attachment stuff being activated, and the deep anger buried within me and in some of my dissociated identities at the abuse I've suffered.
She knows I know that lashing out inappropriately doesn't help, and I've asked her why she signed up to take this from me, and she told me why, what she felt i can learn.
So it's about learning what's appropriate for the situation and the person. Which isn't easy, definitely.
Not just in therapy but with friends, acquaintances, different professionals etc.
Also I have wanted to hear exact phrases from her, and I sometimes really mishear her due to what's going on with me in my head due to anxiety or dissociation. It can be frustrating for her, and that gets me frustrated at myself but she knows I'm not doing it deliberately. So it's part of our work.
Kinda off topic:
What you said about Dr T... I've that problem he has sometimes! My T says I gotta own my decisions, and not like "my partner won't like it".
That also is a work in progress for me because my family background and specific abuse history made it literally much safer to hide behind my partner with his consent.
But I'm not in that environment anymore, and it's no longer useful.
Sometimes it's also been my partner being legitimately coercive (he has untreated anxiety and can be very rigid) and we later revisit the topic. Conflict tends to shut me down, because I really do get scared. That's also where we work on assertiveness, which also includes telling my partner that while he has a right to give his opinion, it's my decision.