I had to take Xanax twice today. It’s just too much stress and worry.

CR had his surgery and it went well but I'm always a wreck when he’s sick. My Apple Watch thinks I exercised this morning because of how high my heart rate was. I was anxious until they said it was over and he was waking up, and then they kept me away for another HOUR so naturally I freaked out thinking something was wrong and they just weren’t telling me. Now we’re home but I can’t settle. Every time I think I’m calm something else freaks me out.

Oh, and RS freaked me out as well last night by telling me he got short of breath with heart palpitations when I was out at work! I spent all night waking up and poking him to make sure he was still alive. Then when we got CR home, RS said he “felt funny”, the same heart palpitations and shortness of breath. So now I’m completely losing it and I desperately call my mom to come stay with CR so I can take RS to the emergency room because there’s no way I’ll ever be able to calm down if I’m not absolutely sure he’s not in immediate danger.

So anyway RS is fine, so at least I can let him sleep while I keep vigil over CR tonight. I really am going to try to sleep but I’m sure it will be broken at best.

I was about to just completely lose it and start crying earlier so I decided to color a simple flower picture. I’m a bit calmer but I still want to cry. I so wish RS could stay home this week