Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlingflock
Starting to ask myself questions about my part in my relationship. It’s really hard for my brain to allow these questions let alone answers.
I admit I’ve still been having the fantasy of things working out for us together. For him to be kind, loving, relaxed, present. For me to be happy with him instead of annoyed, stressed, confused, and hopeless.
Ive felt like a single person in a way for the last few years or so. Not that I had or have interest in other relationships but more like I’m on my own and there’s no room for more or other things.
I know he didn’t want to feel, think, and act a lot of the ways he did because he expressed frustration about it. he couldn’t stick to healthy ways, and didn’t pursue therapy either. Too scared is my guess. Even when he came up with healthy ideas, he pushed them to the extreme, to unhealthy. So much distracting too. I don’t know what was going on in his mind. I don’t mean from the substance use, because that was just a lot of stupid high ideas. But what was in his mind in the first place that he was running so hard from. Some I know, but I would worry sometimes what I didn’t know. obsessive loops too.
When I said I want to separate, he said I had been controlling him. In what way he didn’t or couldn’t say. who could control him?? When he was a kid yeah, and sadly it damaged him too much.
If he and his brother butt heads, I wonder where he’ll go then? Would I even know about it? Will he become like my dad who for a time would disappear for weeks without notice?
Will he find happiness? Will I?
Are things going to get worse? Can he make things worse for me?
Questions I’m asking myself.
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I think it's only natural that you're going to have the fantasy of this working out still between you two.
Have you ever heard of the term, "trauma bond"? If not, you can look it up yourself, but it's the bond that occurs between the abuser and the abused victim, that bonds the victim to their abuser. The victim longs for the once in a while good times that they get from their abuser, even after the abuse ends and even after the abuser has left. That bond is formed based on a trauma that occurs between abuse incidents. Abuse occurs, and the victim gets traumatized by it, but longs for and wants the abuser to be nice again so badly that it develops a strong bond to the abuser. Then the abuser is nice again for a while, and the bond/addiction gets stronger. Then abuse occurs again, and the victim wants the abuser to be nice. And around and around it goes - the cycle of abuse. This is partially what makes it so hard for a victim of abuse to leave - the trauma bond - and what makes it so hard to shake the abuser out of your system emotionally.
If you read up on this, it may help you. Just a thought.