I have decided I need to take time for myself. I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself and keeping it all in and I just can’t do it or my brain will snap and I’ll have a psychotic breakdown. I’m not on any APs and on Tuesday I already had a blip, I couldn’t stop for gas because I thought there might be shady characters there and someone might follow me home. I just felt like I wouldn’t be safe until I was in my completely locked house. So it’s not looking good if I continue on this path.

Anyway today I am going to go to Trader Joe’s after dinner all by my lonesome and get the produce that the regular grocery store didn’t have, plus a treat for myself (they have nice candies). On Saturday I have a hair appointment. Been meaning to get it cut for a few weeks but haven’t felt well enough.

I just feel like I need to get away from here for an hour or so. Not that I don’t love my son, but I did so poorly when he was very young and completely dependent on me. And right now since he’s recuperating he is again completely dependent on me. It’s taking me back to when my first husband died and we were alone and I had no breaks at all. I just felt overwhelmed and trapped, which is how I feel now. But now I have RS to take care of him while I go out for a little bit.

At least CR is doing well, you’d hardly know he had surgery tbh. He’s frustrated that he can’t eat his favorite foods though. He was super upset last night because he was very hungry but he couldn’t eat anything “real”. I placated him with instant mashed potatoes that I made the consistency of baby cereal. He was happy with that. Today he was upset he couldn’t have broccoli cheddar soup bc of the big broccoli pieces but mom to the rescue, I dug out my food processor and blended it very smooth. So now he’s happy. Soup, potatoes, and processed chef boyardee spaghetti (yuck).