I'm not sure on where this really fits as it crosses so many different areas so I thought I would post here. Lately I have been so lost. I'm just going through the motions of everyday life. No joy, but feel the sadness, grief (I've had a great deal of losses in the last 5 years and never really allow myself to grieve), loneliness but don't really want any body around yet I do, hatred towards myself, my life, and sometimes others, hate my marriage but yet don't want him to leave, I love my son but I hate to have to do things like cooking (yet I used to love cooking) being interrupted, hate not being able to be alone ( I know alone, with someone, can't make up my mind), love my dog and want to walk but just not when it needs to be done.....I know it's all confusing yet it feels like it's all connected as I'm sure it is somehow.

Somedays I like my job yet hate my job and the people I work with. They don't really respect me as a person in any way shape or form. I go in and put on a happy face and make it look pretty but really, I don't care for them as people. they have really taken the job I applied for out from under me and I don't feel I am doing the work that I really can do. They are holding me back when I could do so much more at work but they won't let me anymore.

I know time to move on from my job. Follow the money is what they say right...well I am paid decently, not enough for what I am educated to do but then again they took the job I was hired for away and now I'm just ****.

I just want to run away for awhile and not have any responsibility. Anyone get that? In my head I hear myself saying but my son, I can't leave him with his dad. He needs me. He is what keeps me here and going each day.

I just realized how much I put out there. I usually don't do that anymore but here goes nothing.