Quote:
Originally Posted by Quietmind 2
Hey SK, here's my thoughts, feel free to ignore if I'm wrong. I'm wondering about this pattern you have, where you show appreciation with gifts, gift cards etc. It's not wrong in itself, just to clarify, and I'm not judging. I vaguely remember that you also give money to charity, sponsor children abroad, etc, and how it adds up to a significant amount of what you earn?
I've a similar pattern, just in different ways, and my T has challenged me to come up with ways where I can show appreciation, caring etc or help causes I'm passionate about, help folks in need etc without money.
For many years when I earned income, I basically waa spending a lot on my younger brother and some friends in need, without caring about the cost... yet I was neglecting my own needs.
I'm no saint when I give these examples below:
I didn't blink at $200/session (that's more than my entire grocery budget now) for my younger brother's therapy, yet I wasn't seeing my T often enough despite needing that due to chronic suicidality and ongoing abuse.
I loaned money to acquaintances who never returned the amount. I gifted friends professional tools for their profession, sometimes helped friends with their medical bills, helped some people on an ongoing basis etc.
While I was also depriving myself of a better quality of life medical care that I needed, etc.
Her point is that I've been self sacrificing too much in monetary ways for many years, and I'm unconsciously sabotaging my own future. That instead of telling her I couldn't afford her sliding scale fee anymore (I thought that was the lowest), I told her I need to see her less.
Not saying that's the case for you but I do hope you're saving money for your own needs and future.
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Thank you Quietmind 2, as always, I value your input!
First off: the thing with the coworker: I think this goes deeper than I had originally thought/understood when I bought her the gift card. My only thoughts I had when I was buying for her was that she helped me out and I took time away from her schedule and wanted to know that she was appreciated.
A friend of mine sort of challenged me to go deeper with it so I have been trying to analyze it a bit more. I think if this was a coworker that I got along with well, I might not have gotten the gift card. A verbal thank you or a thank you email might have sufficed. But I have also given gift cards to coworkers that I get along well with so I'm not sure that I was trying to "make up" for not getting along well with her. I'm not sure. I frequently buy my coworkers a coffee or lunch or something. (I mean, not all of them, but the ones I come into regular contact with). But they also reciprocate, so it's okay. This coworker works in NY and I work in CA so we don't really have a reciprocal relationship like that but it felt right in my heart at the time that I gave her the gift card. Only later when a friend questioned me about it, did I think, oh did I do something wrong? BTW, I still don't have an answer to that.
Secondly, about charity and donations and so forth. Yeah, I spend a lot of money on charity and donations and stuff like that and I am not saving enough for myself. I have been contemplating whether I should step back some from some of my commitments to charity and what that says about me as a person. It is coming in direct odds with my religious beliefs which is hard for me because it's a core part of who I am and how I identify with the world around me. On the other hand, I can see that I am suffering in some areas because I'm giving a significant portion of my income away. It's something I am currently wrestling with and I haven't come up with a good answer.
Thank you for your care and concern for me. I appreciate it!
