So I think I’ve had my final ever therapy session today. It wasn’t planned to be the final session but I think I have to accept that therapy just isn’t going to work for me. The relational developmental trauma from my very early childhood has damaged me too much for therapy to be effective. I need more from a therapist than they are willing to give me. I have no friends or family. I am completely alone so my therapist becomes the sole person in my life that I have for support. I need/want them to offer more support than they can or are willing to give within boundaries. The therapeutic relationship isn’t enough to heal me.
The impact of my trauma means that forming other social/support networks is just not possible. I do not know how to make friends, I don’t know how to cope in social situations without them overwhelming me and causing me intense distress.
So without having any other support network to relieve some of the pressure of wanting my therapist to be more than he can be, I think I need to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately therapy can’t help me and ends up causing me more pain than I started with.
The problem I’m left with is if therapy can’t help, then I simply have no desire to continue living. There is nothing in my life that gives me any joy, I live to work and work to live. That is all there is and I hate working and hugely struggle to cope with it due to my mental health.
I have interests, but nothing I’m passionate about, I’ve never been passionate about anything really.
I genuinely don’t feel like life is for me, particularly when I consider all the awful things that are happening in the world. I can’t live with the constant pain and hurt inside of me that consumes me every single day. It’s too much to cope with any longer.
I text my therapist after the session today telling him to cancel next week’s sessions as I thought it was time to accept therapy can’t help me and he’s replied saying he respects my decision. We talked about some of this today and he agrees that therapy is unlikely to be successful if the person doesn’t have other forms of social support as well.
My intense and deep attachment to him means I’m going to find this unbearably painful but what would be the point in continuing if neither myself or my therapist truly believes I can be helped.
I feel like I need to find the acceptance that things are never going to get better. I am not capable of change. My patterns of thinking are just too ingrained to be challenged.
How do I come to terms with the fact that therapy will never help me? I’ve tried medication and that didn’t help either. There is nothing left.