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Old Jul 08, 2022, 02:03 PM
KLL85 KLL85 is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: The World
Posts: 278
Thanks both.
I had a conversation about it today with my T through my sobbing, I avoided the parts about not wanting to live anymore as I don’t trust him around that topic since he broke my confidentiality. I just feel like he doesn’t know how to help, but doesn’t want to say that. I know he’s tried a lot of stuff that has worked with others but hasn’t made any difference to me. He knows I need him to be more than just a therapist, and to be fair to him he isn’t a blank slate therapist, he is open to more relational stuff but just not on the level I need.
I’ve trusted him and opened up to him more than any other therapist in the past so in some ways he does feel like the best fit. All my previous therapists have had even firmer boundaries.
Although he doesn’t advertise himself as a ‘trauma specialist’ all of his work is generally trauma based, specifically relational development trauma in childhood. He’s also done a lot of work with CSA. He’s a good therapist, I’m just too much.
Part of the problem I have is that one of my experiences of CSA was perpetrated by a medical professional and therefore I find medical settings and those types of people terrifying and extremely triggering. I have also had very harmful experiences with GPS, psychiatric nurses etc when I have sought help for my MH in the past, which is why I went private.
I’ve tried several types of therapy - CBT which I found useless, DBT which parts of it retraumatised me and psychodynamic which I struggled with due to blank slate type of approach. Current T is integrative.
Also part of the problem is that being in the UK, we are not as far forward with alternative types of therapy as the states. I looked for a somatic therapist as I had heard this can be better for preverbal trauma than traditional talk therapy, as those traumatised infant parts don’t have the language to express themselves, but there are very few around.
EMDR is not something I’ve really looked in to, although I have heard good things. It’s just expensive compared to what I currently pay.
I’m just exhausted and everything feels overwhelming and hopeless. I feel like a complete failure. I know the problem is me, I know only I can change, but I just don’t feel like I am capable. I feel so powerless.
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2