Were you diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? You don’t sound to me like one.

I mean it’s clear that your self-esteem is damage since you are projecting hate onto women, the hate you have for yourself, but a personality disorder is very serious.
It’s not the same to have some traits and have the disorder. In the former you are more likely to see these patterns you describe. And the possibilities to cure are much higher.

What are we dealing with?